Weep as we revel in the joy of the Ultramarines victory over Dembski Bowden.

We must plot our revenge over the vile author! Return to our office and put on Phil's pants.

Put on pants and go to meeting.
>Capcha:Hernio Entire
>Ouch.

rolled 100 = 100

>>15729516
Make a mental note that the next time we see him, we shall tell him, that his barbaric attack on our manhood is both to be expected of those of lesser talent, and out of sheer jealously of our potent virility.

Moral victory all around. Just like an Ultramarine battle should be.

Is our mighty ULTRAMARINE Plasma cannon painted blue yet? Because if not, we must immediately get our hands on some ULTRAMARINES blue paint with which to addorn our phallus.

You hunger yet again. Perhaps another bag of dicks is in order?

>>15729545

Brilliant.


After that we go to the meeting to present our new codex idea.

codex: ULTRAMARINES!!!!11!11

In the codex we should find:

-more ultramarines victories
-Calgar defeating five avatars of Khaine at once... While naked
-sisters of battle getting raped/killed/both
-the black templars chapter and the space wolfs chapter utter destruction
-the night lords legion accepting Roboute Guilliman as their spiritual liege (that will teach that Debski)

>>15729545

Clutching your still aching ULTRABALLS, you shakily gain your feet as tears stream down your face. Tears of pride that your mighty ULTRAMARINE brothers have won another victory. Your SPIRITUAL LIEGE would be proud. If only the accursed ADB and his traitor night lords were around, you think you could get them to submit and accept ROBOUTE GUILLIMAN as the true leader of man.

>>15729558
>>15729567

Proudly parading your ULTRAPENIS around the corridors, you return to your office, flushed with victory to put on your looted pants.

>>15729587

Spying a pot of ULTRAMARINES blue paint, you quickly adorn your mighty ULTRAPENIS with it, so that the machine spirit of the mighty plasma spewing weapon with bow before the SPIRITUAL LIEGE ROBOUTE GUILLIMAN.

The meeting awaits, and you scurry off to the boardroom, proud in the knowledge of your phallus' heraldry beneath your pants.

The dialogue during the meeting should be grand if the first part was anything to go by.

rolled 59 = 59

>>15729643
I call Andy Chambers and ask him how it feels to be a loser and a xenos loving heretic.

>>15729643

Voices are audible as you approach the doors

"For fucks sake, this is the third time this month he's done this! How is he still employed?"

"Aaron, calm down, we need him. Noone else can capture-"

"I don't give a fuck Mark, he was jerking off in the office, then he chased me around naked screaming about his fucking smurfs!"

"Look, we'll talk about this later, we need to get... ah here he is now."

As you walk in the doors, you see an irate Aaron Dembski Bowden and the rest of the GW creative team (minus Phil Kelly) gathered around the table.

"Ok Matt, what have you got for us today?" asks the CEO.

"At least the fucker's wearing pants." Scowls ADB

>What do?

Suggest fluff in which the Emperor reawakens and cedes control of the Imperium to Marneus Calgar, who is revealed to have been Roboute Guilliman the entire time. Then propose a Roboute Guilliman model, which has a point cost of 1, is required in all Space Marine armies, and has 20 in all stats.

>>15729710

do >>15729641

rolled 82 = 82

>>15729710

do this:

>>15729572

>>15729710
show everyone our new ULTRAPENIS

attempt to molest adb

>>15729688

Whipping out your ULTRAMARINES cell phone, covered in purity seals and marks of allegiance to MACCRAGE, you dial the number of Andy Chambers.

Overcome with feelings of devotion towards your primarch, you manage to scream the following at him:

>Urrgh! ULTRAMARINES! XENOS SCUM ULTRAGUILLIMAN ROBOUTE SPIRITUAL LIEGE ULTRAMARINES ULTRAHONOUR!

Andy chambers looks at you bemused from the other side of the boardroom.

>>15729710
Outline our brilliant plan to retcon the Battle for Macragge.

As it turns out, the Battle was between not only the Ultramarines and the Tyranids, but also the Tyranid's mind-controlled and corrupted Sister of Battle slaves. Due to the valiant glory of the ULTRAMARINES, the Sisters of Battle no longer exist, nor do the Tau, since the Ultramarines redirected the Hive Fleet into the Tau Empire.

To represent this, a new CODEX ULTRAMARINES will be printed, including such units as the Emperor's Champion — formerly unique to the Black Templars, but the Black Templars have now accepted Roboute Guilliman as their spiritual liege.

rolled 27 = 27

>>15729745
>>15729742
Retcon the entire Ultramarines Series by Graham McNeill if we haven't done that already.we cant have the ULTRAMARINES deal with morals.

>Andy chambers looks at you bemused from the other side of the boardroom.

Oh god my hiccups from dinner are back.

Gentlemen, look at your NORMALPENIS, now look at my ULTRAPENIS. Clearly, everything is better in blue. I suggest we discontinue production of all models and codices not related to ultramarines and burn the remnants of the past in which ultramarines were clearly not as well represented as they deserve to be.

Convey by a complex series of grunts and hip thrusts, our new plans for Codex:ULTRAMARINES.

>>15729742

>only because you rolled 100 earlier.

Ferrets fill your thoughts as you attempt to make yourself intelligible for a quick insult towards ADB.

>"Your night lord tactics are no match for the ULTRAPURITY of the CODEX ASTARTES. TRAITOR SCUM, STEEL RAIN OF ULTRAMAR ROBOUTE GUILLIMAN SPIRITUAL LIEGE!

You were unable to contain yourself, and a stain is slowly spreading on the front of your stolen jeans.

>>15729713
>>15729726

You bring forth your notes on how to improve the game system, not trusting your voice at this stage, but feeling a slight twitch as your ULTRAPENIS responds to the glory of the sons of MACCRAGE being handed out..

"Uh... Matt, what the hell is this? You can't reawaken a primarch... wait... the emperor? Do you even understand this universe?"

"Mine's just a picture of a powerfist with monoliths on the side of it, and some sort of wet mark"

"This one is just the word ultramarines over and over"

Clearly they revell in the glory of ULTRAMAR.

>what do?

rolled 65 = 65

>>15729837
>>15729837
Have a brilliant idea: The Dark Angels are really a Chaos Chapter, and the Fallen join with the Ultramarines to hunt down the rest of those green bastards.

>>15729852

i thought that was the actual case, apart from the ultramarines bit

Whip out the ultra penis in preparation of further veneration of our spiritual liege Roboute Guilliman, and look around expectantly.

rolled 61 = 61

>>15729862
>>15729862
>>15729862
And... you're an idiot. Retcon the White Scars to be just a company of the ULTRAMARINES.

rolled 76 = 76

>>15729852
Cypher is also Roboute Guilliman's twin brother Ronoulde Guilliman.

rolled 79 = 79

>>15729852

What if, the Dark Angels were secretly Ultramarines pretending to be Dark Angels (because Lion El'Johnson fell to Chaos - hence his entombed state), and the real Fallen are the Dark Angels that fell with their primarch. As Ultramarines we are working to maintain the purity of the Imperium. It sucks that they must shed their colors and integrity for the Imperium's sake, but Guilliman's will is its only salvation.

rolled 29 = 29

>>15729895

>>15729837

Using the most elegant words of your ULTRAVOCABULARY (ULTRAMARINE MACRAGE ULTRAMAR ROBOUTE GUILLIMAN SPIRITUAL LIEGE), and your ULTRADRAWINGS (blue stick figures with horseshoes on their giant shoulders), illuminate the masses of your plan to make the Emperor accept Robout as his spiritual liege.

rolled 94 = 94

>>15729926

Whoops, rolling properly for this.

rolled 50 = 50

Propose that we put forth a codex for PDF forces, and make it primarily about the PDF allied with the Ultramarines. Each general kind of PDF (ULTRAMAR, imperial, and traitor) gets its own special rules, though naturally the Ultramar PDF should be the best, due to their recognition of their Spiritual Liege rule.

Still, make it subtle, suggest its a group to make the IG look more good and homage to the old Lost and Damned.

>>15729943

>subtle

I don't think you understand this version of Matt Ward.

Down a pot of Ultramarine blue and gargle it while explaining how a little imbalance is necessary to properly demonstrate how the Ultramarines are incapable of loss.

>>15729875
>>15729874

Eyes flushed with success, you silence the cries of incomprehension in the room by drawing your mighty plasma cannon, explaining with thrusts and grunts all of its storied history of service with the ULTRAMARINES, grasping it in you mighty ULTRAMARINE powerfist as you display the extraordinary detail and technology of the twin powercells below. The white scars captured this relic on an abandoned world conquered in the great crusade by ROBOUTE GUILLIMAN and they were so overawed by its majesty that their geneseed mutated and they were one again with thier SPIRITUAL LIEGE. The passion of your belief in Maccrage overwhelms you, and you have armed the ULTRAPENIS by mistake, it is now on a hair trigger.

"FUCKING HELL AGAIN? I DON'T BELIEVE THIS SHIT" Screams ADB

>What do?

>also no need to roll, i just take the most popular stuff/odd things that work and go with it. Attacks need rolling though. 1d20

>>15729954
attack bowden. he does not see the power of the ultrahmuhreens

also think he's a ferret

rolled 56 = 56

>>15729954

ULTRAPENIS GOOOOOOO

rolled 21 = 21

>>15729982

GODDAMMIT ULTRAPENIS GOOO USING 1D20

Good douse of plasma will render this heretic immobile.

rolled 11 = 11

>>15729986

rolling for that

rolled 14 = 14

>>15729985

DOES THAT COUNT. I BET THAT COUNTS. LET ME DO IT ONE MORE TIME JUST IN CASE. ULTRAMULLIGAN

ULTRAPENIS GOOOOO

Suddenly you remember that ADB, while having been defeated earlier, still lives. Whose continued breathing is an offense to the glory of Ultramar, and the great genius of Roboute Guilliman. Fire the Ultracannon on full blast! ADB must pay for his insolence!

>>15729995
>>15729994
>>15729986
>>15729985
>>15729982
>>15729971


You unleash the might of the ULTRAPENIS at this heretic author. A mighty surge of white hot plasma erupts from the tip of your cannon, a small amount landing on the target's shirt, the rest hitting Graham McNeill in the eye. Your battle brother in ULTRAMARINE worship is injured by your hand! Is this dishonour?

While you wrestle with this quandry, and enraged ADB attacks!

>roll for defence against ADB 1d20

rolled 16 = 16

ULTRA WHIRLWIND DEFENSE

(A.K.A. FLAIL OUR ARMS IN A CIRCLE AT ADB HOPING TO ROBOUTE THAT HE DOESN'T GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO KICK US IN THE POWERCELLS AGAIN)

rolled 6 = 6

>>15730035

Use your powerfist against the floor, that always work

>>15730035
ATTACK HIM WITH OUR MIGHTY POWER FIST!

>>15730049

Goddammit I was hoping I would fail that roll.

rolled 7 = 7

>>15730035
Graham McNeil has strayed from his path on being a loyal Ultramarine, due to his new novels that depict the Ultramarines in false manner.
With our shot, we have showed him the glory of Ultramar once again.

rolled 1 = 1

>>15730035

Best defence is offence. Attack with powercells. Fill his traitorous mouth.

Apparently, it's not very difficult to write for Games Workshop. I want to revitalize the Ultramarines with a novel called "Robot Gorillaman, Spiritual Liege."

rolled 2 = 2

>>15730098
>>15730098
>>15730098
I roll to see if my actions have converted McNeil into a new ally that will defend us.

>>15730078
>>15730065
>>15730049
"I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU FREAK!" Not the traditional war screams of the night lords, but just as heretical in its failure to acknowledge the great ROBOUTE GUILLIMAN you think, as ADB charges you.

You engage the mighty MACCRAGIAN defence of the martial arts laid down in the CODEX ASTARTES by mighty ROBOUTE GUILLIMAN, screaming his name as you flail your bright blue ULTRAMARINES powerfist in circles.

A solid impact upon Dembski-heretic's neck as he closes in sends him reeling back into Dan Abnett, who was trying to flee the battle. Those pathetic guardsman will never know the fearless purity that is the ULTRAMARINES! You finish your display of MACCRAGE's own fighting fury by slamming your ULTRAMARINE powerfist into the floor of the room, sustaining a minor bruise and looking less than suave. No matter though, for ULTRAMAR has triumphed this day!

ADB is gasping for air, Dan Abnett is stuck under him. Everyone else is shellshocked.

>What do?

rolled 8 = 8

>>15730150
Do
>>15730121

>>15730150

Teabag ADB. Place the Pride of Ultramar directly on his heretical face.

rolled 9 = 9

>>15730150
STEEL REIGN ON THEM WITH YOUR PLASMA CANNON!

>>15730150

THIS CALLS FOR A 21-ULTRACANNON SALUTE. READY THE ULTRAPENIS FOR 21 CELEBRATORY ROUNDS.

>>15730150

Give the sign of the aquila and exit the room having proved my dominance.

>>15730150
foam at the mouth and ULTRAHMUHREENS ROWBOATWAKSGFNADSKMLNGVDAKLSNB

rolled 1 = 1

>>15730150
Arm the ULTRAPENIS one more time and end this.

>>15730150
run home and molest a ferret in celibration of this MIGHTY VICTORY OF THE ULTRAMARINES!

>>15730116
>>15730121
>>15730098

Graham Macneill rises from his chair, and marches stiffly to your side. In stentorian tones he declares. "Thanks be brother, your mighty relic has blasted the wool from my eyes, and I now better see the glory of our beloved ULTRAMARINES. I leave at once to rewrite the next ULTRAMARINES novel, ROBOUTE GUILLIMAN will rise again and be the SPIRITUAL LIEGE to all!"

Your plasma cannon has readied itself for another shot at the encouragement of Author McNeill

>What do?

Throw our powerfist into the air and pose mightily to celebrate yet another masterful victory in Roboute Guillimans name.

rolled 2 = 2

>>15730179
>>15730179
>>15730179
This. SO MUCH OF THIS./

>>15730198
STEEL RAIN ALL OVER ADB'S AND ABNETT'S FACES TO SHOW THE MIGHT OF THE ULTRAMARINES!

>>15730198

Induct him into the ULTRAMARINES officially, so that he may ULTRAREPENT for his ULTRASINS.

Do so by injecting him with your geneseed.

rolled 3 = 3

>>15730198

He must join me for a shot at the vile heretic.

>This fucking quest


I wonder if ADB is reading this thread.

>>15730183
>>15730180
>>15730168
>>15730179
>>15730183
You walk valiantly over to the prone Dembski Bowden, and aim the ULTRAPENIS at his face, noting the dismay in his eyes as he struggles to rise. Such shall be the fate of all heretics who face the ULTRAMARINES, sons of ROBOUTE GUILLIMAN!

>roll for effect 1d20

rolled 20 = 20

>>15730198
Girlyman's oath....Do you know what these means?
With our geneseed, we will be able to convert a whole army of loyal servants to the Ultramarines. We must start now, 1 down, 998 to go!

But first we deal with the traitor. As Chapter Master, we must purge the infestation first.

rolled 16 = 16

>>15730247

ULTRAPENIS GOOOO

rolled 4 = 4

>>15730247

VICTORY SPEECH

>>15730248
MOTHER OF GOD

>>15730249

a mighty bolt of plasma leaps from the ULTRACANNON, splashing wrathfully into the face of the heretic ADB, and another, and another, a veritable barrage of ULTRASEED plastering the traitor's face.

Work done, you make the sign of the aquilla and leave, again rejoicing in victory for ULTRAMAR!

>What do?

>>15730277

Go paint some ultramarines to kill time.

rolled 8 = 8

>>15730277
Now with the traitor gone, we must go to work.
Begin the trials, we need fresh initiates to join us. If they prove worthy, they shall receive the pure blessed geneseed of our chapter.
So says Chapter Master Wardicus.

>>15730277

Having taken down the author of the Night Lords, you now have control over their fate! Quickly, return to your cubicle so you may induct them into Rouboute Guilliman's fold officially!

>>15730288
Go to your office and fortify it against intrusions as revenge for your brave actions, Find cardboard boxes to complete your fortifications and hold up inside while you write new stories inspired by your victory.

We should probably find out where Phil is, while we're at it. He hasn't accepted the glory of the ULTRAMARINES GENESEED yet.

Which of course is heresy.

>>15730294
>>15730319
>>15730305

Taking advantage of the victory, you retreat to your cubicle, a little piece of ULTRAMAR in the midst of this heretical world. A barricade is a necessity, the mighty ULTRAMARINES' home planet is no less a fortress than any other world in the dominion of man.

Safe from reprisal for now, you create more warriors to add to the mighty ULTRAMARINES, bedecking them in the sacred heraldry of ROBOUTE GUILLIMAN, and set to with urgency, telling the tale of the night lord's acceptance of him as their SPIRITUAL LIEGE and his ascendance to emperorhood.

Finally, emerging from your intense and devout focus in the name of the SPIRITUAL LIEGE of all, you hear a commotion outside your fortress cubicle.

>Wut do?

rolled 8 = 8

>>15730390
PREPARE YOURSELF. TAKE YOUR POWERSWORD AND FIGHT THE HORDE.

Quickly, retcon everything the heretic ever wrote, andreplace it with praise for the ULTRAMARINES

>>15730390

ORDER YOUR SOLDIERS TO CHARGE

rolled 7 = 7

>>15730390
Activate the powerfist and go and investigate. Silently though, as being an Ultramarine not only are you a master of tacticsstrengthwillcouragehonorfire, but also stealth.

>>15730390

Quickly throw my Flying Librarian Drednaught miniature into the hall to defend me from no doubt infuriated Necron Players.

Prepare our Plasma Cannon. We shall lead from the front, as our spiritual liege, ROBOUTE GULLIMAN would want. Anything less is to face DISHONOUR.

Swallow a pot of Ultramarine blue to bolster our strength, and investigate this disturbance.

taking a break right here to say Aaron Dembski-Bowden, if you're reading this i'm so so sorry. It's gotten a bit out of hand, but i'm not going to railroad too much.

>>15730432
He's the only worthy BBEG for this quest though.
Rationality vs...well whatever the fuck Matt Ward runs off.

rolled 5 = 5

>>15730432

I want confirmation that Matt Ward reads this.
>> captcha: ancient lograp

NEW ULTRAMARINE ARTIFACT?

>>15730447

Matt Ward runs off a combination of ferret penis and Ultramarine paint.

Speaking of which, we haven't done anything with the ferrets in a while. Grab your emergency ferret from its usual hiding place (you know what I mean), and paint it blue, so that the Ultramarines have their own counter to Space Wolf wolves.

>>15730432
When you walk out of the cubicle, take a ration of a Cheetoes bag.

Do they have those in Britain? I'm not sure if their grognards like cheesy snacks of dubious nutritional value as much as glorious Murrika does, as opposed to something more British?

>>15730390
Quick-glue some space marine models with super glue to your shoulders and take them as back-up.

>>15730475
I second this

>>15730390
Yell out to the hall that the we had NOTHING to do with Finecast. We're not guilty of that AT ALL.

>>15730390
>>15730390
poke Ward's head out the cubicle door and see what's up
if it's ADB with a weapon, proceed to switch yourself with whatever schumck's in the next cubicle somehow
Use your Ultracharm+20 or Ultracommand+20 or something.

>>15730413
>>15730398
>>15730426
>>15730418
>>15730416

Deciding to face the intrusive noisemakers, you prepare yourself, in case they haven't accepted ROBOUTE GUILLIMAN as their SPIRITUAL LIEGE.

You grab the nearest pot of ULTRAMARINES blue, skolling it in one and feeling the burning fury of your battlebrothers in your lungs. The power and purity of MACCRAGE herself fills you, and your plasma cannon stands ready yet again, unrelenting in its urge to punish those who refute the divine right of MARNEUS CALGAR to be ROBOUTE GUILLIMAN in disguise.

You ready yourself, picking up your mighty Xacto powersword encrusted with ULTRAMARINE iconography and blue paint. And lobbing your blood angels librarian dreadnought (painted blue of course, as they have accepted ROBOUTE GUILLIMAN as their SPIRTUAL LIEGE) over the wall as the CODEX ASTARTES mandates as part of the STEEL RAIN doctrine.

Last minute checks for drop commence: weapons armed. Powerfist, power sword, pants down to bring ULTRAPENIS to bear.

You break through the mighty cardboard walls of MACCRAGE, demanding to know who insults the legacy of the ULTRAMARINES in a series of thrusts, grunts and cries of ULTRAROBOUTE.

Before you stand 2 people, dressed in black and white, and armed, though not as mightily as yourself. Black templars surely... maybe they have come to submit to the might of MACCRAGE and accept ROBOUTE GUILLIMAN as their SPIRITUAL LIEGE?

>wut do?

rolled 7 = 7

>>15730390
Did we ever get any FILTHY XENOS miniatures that we converted to Rowboat Girlyman's cult? Toss them at the invaders! SHOW THEM THE FATE OF THE NONBELIEVERS!!!

>>15730507
Talk to them in their native language of "TEMPLAR TEMPLAR TEMPLAR CRUSADE CRUSADE TEMPLAR".

See what's up.

>>15730507
Offer them free copies of the Nillamarines codex with specially penned rules to allow BT to use units out of it if they admit that Rogal Dorn looked to Roboute as his spiritual leige (after the Emperor, of course).

rolled 18 = 18

>>15730507
Ah, Black Templars! Welcome them, and announce your long list of titles, status, and name.

>>15730507
While wearing black and white, they are not full marines yet. Look at their armor; no better than carapace. They are of course neophytes. Proceed to ask them where their Initiate is, so as that we may talk as equals. Also, bring cheetoes and kit-kats as a diplomatic offering.

rolled 11 = 11

>>15730507
We're gonna need backup for this! Call your bro Robin Cruddace (he asked you for help on 6th Guard, and you showed him the glory of accepting ROBOUTE GUILLIMAN as his SPIRITUAL LIEGE. As such, any Imperial guard must have the ULTRAMARINES symbol on their uniforms)

>uh oh
>the coppers
PROCEED TO DO THE ULTRADANCE OF PEACE

BE COOL, MAN

JUST ULTRADANCE AND IT'LL BE COOL

>>15730507
Lean on our sword in the cool and confident manner only an Ultramarine can exude, and state in our usual language of hip thrusts and grunts that we shall accept their intent to make Guilliman their spiritual liege.

GIRLYMAN FINDS THEIR PAULDRONS LACKING

ANNIHILATE THEM WITH THE SECRET TECHNIQUE OF ANCIENT FERRET KARATE

>>15730507
Listen to the space sphere and play it cool.
Them's space cops.

>>15730507
Quickly!

Offer them sweet snacks!

>>15730507
Oh shit man oh shit
grab all the pewter minis in the cubicle and ready them for action via grav-chute insertion against the enemy (which is thowing them)
hurry

Ah, allies have shown up to assist in the destruction of the heretic. Show them to the non believer.

shit, i've got to go. someone archive this and i'll take it up from the first post with these suggestions next time.

Peace out dudes, and ADB if you're reading this, maybe next time I'll do a Dembski-Bowden quest, hopefully it won't go as bad for you as this one did.

>this fucking quest.

I love you.