wut

>his soft, complacent daughters subsequently became awful swordsmen
>they ended up imperial concubines
>the end

Are YOU a bad enough dude to save the president's daughters?

On to local news.

The state of new york has applied to raise taxes on livestock products in order the gather enough gold to hire a few wandering heroes to slay the dragon that has made it's lair in central park and kidnapped virgins from the Soho area, causing daily traffic jams over the last couple of years as well as bi-monthly torching the Empire State Building.

>>16060410
eh, the dragon must be taking fa/tg/uys

In international news:
Kim Jong Ill has told NATO that he has captured the president of South Korea and is going to execute him by having him wrestle a bear to death at sunrise tomorrow.
NATO, under the influence of America have decided to call for the legendary hero Kronthar to rescue the president.

>>16060461
>Kim Jong Ill has told NATO that he has captured the president of South Korea and is going to execute him by having him wrestle a bear to death at sunrise tomorrow.
This is meant to be fantasy news, not something that could actually happen.

>>16060458
Clearly you weren't listening. The dragon is taking /v/irgins.

Following the economic crisis and America going through default, sea-demons from around gibraltar has been calling in soul-pact debts with local fishermen early, causing the current price rise in fish-related products along the coast.

In technology news:

SEGA have unveiled their new console, Lord Yelorde. It demands your eternal fealty and the weekly sacrifice of the land's most hopeful youth to add to its 'garden', in exchange for your welfare and the protection of its massive petrifying eye.

After many years, New Zealand has completed the mystic dome and now resides in an alternate dimension, unnaffected by the rest of the world.

Thus far it seems that only Australia has actually noticed

Californians took to the streets to celebrate the lifting on the ban of human/naga marriage.

>>16060535
FIRST THE NAGAS MOVE IN THEN THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
ALMOST BAD AS ORCS.

Entertainment news:
Jennifer Allison has suddenly retreated from the movie industry after it was revealed that she was in fact a doppleganger and the real Jennifer Allison died 5 years ago.
The representative from the free state of Dopplegangers condemned the act and swore to punish it to death should it be caught.

This means that the next movie featuring Jennifer Allison in a romantical comedy that was supposed to have been her comeback, is canceled.

This just in from Russia Putin has personally apprehended well known political dissident Bba Yaga and has "taken her into custody" global media attention is now on Putin to see how much of her loot he will keep for himself and how much he will sell.
Keep in mind that prim minister Putin is a epic level Monk so him needing gear isn't a issue financial analystist are allready weeping in fear of the effects on the global artifact market if Putin tries to unload all the loot.

Y'know, after barely getting three hours of sleep, going on 4Chan and reading about how the president has been assassinated by dark sorcerers is probably one of the most unsettling things I can do.

>>16060600

In further news from Russia the titanic struggle between Zombie Lenin and The 70 foot tall man of steel Joseph Stalin continues. Both sides continue their battle for the soul of the Communist movement despite the USSR collapsing last century. Whoever wins will surely usher in either a new era of global terror or bring salvation to all mankind.

>>16060535
For 18 years, Shasshkahiss and Alex have been dating, spending time together, and even raised up a pair of lovely eggs together, who have recently celebrated their third shedding. Asking the neighbors, you will hear the words: "Good people" "Quiet neighbors" and "Great BBQ's every summer!".

But having lived together for so long, they have never had the chance to be joined in official union, until today, when Shasshkahiss and Alex were joined together in matrimony, and joined a small group who were wed by a Justice of the Peace today.

To warm skies and a cheering crowd, the sixteen couples took vows and bound hands, to show a cause to commitment together. But not all were in cheer, as a small but vocal protest rallied across the streets.

"Gods hate Nags!", "Half-Elf or No Half!", and "Snakeskins go Home!" were on their signs, and angry protest on their lips. Their protest was in defense of traditional marriage, and the widely known and infamous cleric of Zarus, Phredric Phillipson, lead a protest and cast curses on the gathered. "Zarus hath writ: "I hate Nags!" in his book, and will bring a curse down on those who will defile the purity of Humanity!"

A counter protest was launched, and township guard was called, but none were arrested. When asked, Alex says: "Their God might hate it, but Lastai has smiled on us."

Chaos struck the nation today as a strong northerly front has brought some very confused Ice Giants from their Frozen Abodes. Police are calling for calm in the wake of their stumbling advance southwards, while the international community calls for hot chocolate all round.

>>16060654

Zarusian clerics we consulted pointed out that it's none of their concern as the individuals in question have clearly turned from the laws of Zarus and thus are no different from animals. As one put it "that guy is a total cunt"

And for you girls Angie Stevens wishes to remind you that it's dryad mating season at central park next month so keep your man on a short leash until it's over!

Oh FFS when will you people stop it with this "dark sorceror" we sorcerers are just people we have our good days we have our bad days.

It's people like you always looking at us and thinking "How long till he raises a Undead Army and has to be put down?" that produces so many Dark Lords.

In the sorcerer business you either die young or you see yourself grow old enough to turn to the Dark Arts thanks to inbred peasants such as you.

If you want to know what sorcerers really are like please read "There is only power and those too weak to get it" by Lord Voldemort.

I bet you don't even know who that is don't you he teaches 6 courses at Charmbridge he's the D Knuth of Spell Casting.

Rebel forces have reportedly cornered Muammar Gaddafi inside his Mordenkainen's Magnificent Mansion.

The Ghost of Bin Laden has released another tape condemning the west

>>16060736
In response, the Vatican has called upon their rarely used Swords of the Holy to go forth and turn back the wrath of the Ghost of Bin Ladin, rumored to have ascended to lichdom pre-execution at the hands of the US Epic Forces.

Any information as to the whereabouts of Osama Lichladin are greatly appreciated, and the location of the rumored Phylactery are greatly requested.

Planar Wizard Kieth Manning, an assistant at the Department of Commerce, brought back an astral diamond today from the Pits of Narrbizond. The Dow Jones has rocketed as a result.

>The dark sorcerer were

Grammar, motherfucker.

>>16060787
It's from SNC: The Southern News Channel.

>>16060787
Dude I'm swedish and stoned off my ass, please have a little understanding for my international communication ability plight

>>16060787
Don't tell me you're a grammar mage,guess what the places modern arcane researchers are going a disregard for the rules is a great asset.

US President Shaman Obama angered the Queen of the United Kingdom today resulting him being beaten with the flat of Excalibur. The President is expected to recover from his physical injuries but his ego will take some time.

Queen Elizabeth II is well known for her various grafted organs and body parts including the heart and stomach of her father the late King, her albatross wings, beholder eyes and other equally bizarre organs which she revealed the existence of during her coronation speech which paid homage a speech made by Queen Elizabeth I in which she declared she had "the heart of a king". Although in her case it was most likely not so literal.

best thread on /tg/

The University of California announced today that state Mage School tuition would be doubling for the fourth year in a row. Many apprentices expressed outrage, pointing out that in the same period, the annual salary for most members of the Circle of Archmages has increased by nearly 200,000 gold pieces a year.

>>16060819

how did you get past SNC anti-anti-discrimination policy?
although I guess that one is mainly used against siberian bugbears and trolls from east fricana

Robot Hitler continues to terrorise Israel. Nobody else really seems to care. The Iranian government wish him well. The Americans declared that they had written a very nasty letter but were unable to send it as Robot Hitler lacks a home address.

>>16060812
>>16060819
>>16060787
War nearly broke out between the Duckmen of the southern states and an errant grammar mage, who insulted them through an improper use of the word 'were' and nearly causing a lynching.

When asked about it, the Grammar Magus said: "Bork bork bork, Sweedish, bork bork, meatballs".

The ducks have had no comment.

It is well known that the Duckmen are extremely grammatically correct and find bad grammar to be the highest of insults. Them words was bad.

>>16060768
Supreme Overlord candidate Ron Paul,most famous for his desire to return to the gold standard,has woken up this morning to see that someone had cast a Midas curse on him.

Ron Paul has declined the "Obamacharm" mage which was sent to help him being confident that the free market would provide a better master level mage for his needs.

Economy news!
It was just revealed that The Brotherhood of The Black Hand has been found guilty of massive tax fraud, the entire board of directors has left the cult as shareholders debate what representatives to replace them.
Their stock plummeted with a shocking 225.8% and as a result the Black Dragon Revarox Followers of Darkness saw an increased share of the market in cultism and experienced a 58% rise.

We'd like to remind you that it's still uncertain whether or not The Brotherhood will be able to recover through judgment from their dark lord or not and thus urge caution before doing any major investments.

>>16060822

you mean the tax breaks for illiterate? I know they enacted that to help the orc labour class, but they left way too many loopholes. I think they should have just expanded the general welfare.

The master illusionist Michael Moore has decided to end his film making career and begin taking on apprentices. As is very common with illusion magic the trick is actually extremely simple once you're told it.

"You just have to mix some truth in with the illusions, then they'll believe anything you tell them."

His classes are fully booked for the next thirty years.

Market analysts are currently worried about recent events where a 2000 year old chinese dragon has awakened and is hypnotizing local peasants to take up arms for the long dead emperor, causing a major shortage of rice in the Xinjiang province.
It is uncertain whether this dragon will prove to be powerful enough to keep this battle going for several years, but if it does it could mean a doubling in prices for rice-related products in the coming years.

And now a commercial break.

Have you been accused of committing a crime that you are, in fact, innocent of? Have you been treated poorly outside of the confines of the law? Do you just want to use the law for your own benefit?

Then come down to E. L. Darbrain, where the best Illithid lawyers this side of the portal are at your service. We'll pour through the laws and your mind, to find out all the details, and prove your innocence! Skilled in reinactments, providing testimony, and proving the events as they happened, E.L. Darbrain has over 1800 years of accumulated legal knowledge at our tendriltips. No payment unless you win!*

Remember, E. L. Darbrain, located at 1338 Lawvil Court, Underdark. Wear a purple torc to avoid any nasty accidents!

*Failure to win a case results in loss of brain matter.

Foreign news:
France's government stands on loose ground as a soul of a 14-year old old french princess has revived in a mannequin and now claim legal right to rulership according to ancient laws.

>>16060904
No I mean Far Realms research,there the easier you can break away from this plane's arcane laws the better.
Don't make everything into a political issue.

In sports news, a Congressional committee will be hearing testimony later today from Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa regarding the use of Aura of Vitality in professional baseball. The use of spells granting enhancement bonuses to strength, dexterity, and constitution have been outlawed by the league since 1963. However, morale bonuses are still permitted, despite being forbidden in most other professional sports leagues, including the NFL, NHL, and FIFA. Recent controversy over McGuire and Sosa's slugging records have brought to light concerns over performance enhancing spells that skirt the rules of enhancement bonuses.

Yesterday Congress heard testimony from Mr. Goldenleaf Thistledown, a representative of the American Druids Association, explaining that morale bonuses are a safe, natural alternative to more conventional means of personal empowerment. He then went on to explain that many pro ball players, naming Raphael Palmero specifically, have been known to keep company with druids for the purposes of their buffing capabilities.

Today's proceedings will begin at 3:30 PM Eastern Time, and you can watch them live, right here on CSPAN. Stay tuned.

>>16060496
European eh?
>implying gooks could invade america

>>16060870
Great now all of us warforged will have to suffer the shame of Hitler just like the germans.
Just so you guys know I don't support Hittler no matter what template he's gotten himself,my favourite show is the Daily Show with John Stewart.

Good news for investors today, as Sony continues to sell more 'Playstation 3s', as their games have been nearly uncounted. A powerful, hearty machine, the sudden flux of Games has beaten all records, as even Nintendo has not seen so many quality games released in such a short time.

Nintendo has been recently struggling with endless re-releases of games, which many critics often claim to be just rehashes of the same exact game over and over again.

Xbox has had no comment, since achieving sapience and taking over the production of Windows.

Upcoming debate!

See the coming debate between Fox News conservative lich studioman Lord Eversor The Grimm and liberal half-elf reporter Lorinol Windheart on the subject whether or not the introduction of actually killing golems in modern movies will lead to our teenagers turning into sociopaths who'll think killing is right, the defender however claims that studies show that modern youth can tell the moral difference between killing a magical construct and a sentient race and that all claims of increased youth violence are false.

>>16060829
>Although in her case it was most likely not so literal.

Given that she was in fact half-fey no, I'd imagine not.

On the lighter side of the news, dimensional wizard Alan Moore has returned from his latest transdimensional jaunt. We interview tonight at 9 about his travels in a world completely bereft of magic, and his career trolling all of mankind whilst writing comic books.

Local news:
In hoboken this morning local hero Paul Saloza saved a Starbucks from an assault of giant rats.
He is quoted to have said:
My father used to be a hero so I was raised to rescue to innocent from injustice and savagery wherever I met it from childhood. I'm not doing it for the XP mam, I'm doing it for the people.

Best. Setting. Ever.

The scandals surrounding Tiger Woods took a turn for the necromantic today as Tiger issued a press release revealing he has recently died and risen as a wraith. He explained that a recent tryst with a trio of succubi resulted in more negative levels than he could handle. He said he understood the dangers of such abyssal dealings, and he apologized to his family and fans for disappointing them. A reporter for the Times asked if this will further damage his already strained relationship with his corporate sponsors. Tiger answered that he has already discussed this matter with Nike, and he will become the spokesman for their new line of Ghosttouch golf clubs and apparel.

>>16061073
This just in a startled researchers show us the shocking trend they've discovered:
It seems that the State taking in orphans and offering them psicologycal support is draining them of the desire to avenge their parents.

Local Dark Lord X,were not covering anything up that is how he stiles himself, has given us this statement:

"I don't think there are any more heroes left in man,I mean not even at the start of my carrere I couldn't slaughter villages I had to settle for cul-de-sacs but I massacred 127 of the things in my carrer and no one has risen up to stop me.
I've been in the bussines for 30 years I orphaned hundreds of kids yet no one has come to demand vengeance.
I think I'm gonna be the first of my class to hit Epic I don't even know what I'll get."

Shocking news!

A cleric of Olzimar has been charged with repeated murder of the same victim, however the judge dismissed the case since it could be proven that he had a mutual relationship with the accusant/victim who both enjoyed necrophilic sex and that the cleric had in fact always revived the woman before she would have been counted as legally dead.

International: two US Clerics killed and four wounded in another IED attack (Improvised Eldritch Device) near Samara during the operation this month aimed at destroying the lairs of insurgent Liches with suspected ties to Al Qaida. Although it has been confirmed that the insurgents in Iraq and Afghanistan count liches among their ranks and that Al Qaida includes quite a few as well, it is still to be confirmed that there is a clear bond between these organizations.

The bodies of the dead Clerics were taken to a base in Germany where it is expected they can be revived.

General Petreus once again stated in a press release that the budget cuts that have been executed in the last few months were a grave mistake, since they greatly reduced the quality of the holy equipment of the USCC (United States Cleric Corp). According to Petreus, these budget cuts were responsible for the casualties. IED-jamming equipment is very expensive, and therefore still rare on the frontlines.

"As long as we can take our men back to bases in Europe, sure, we can revive our men and heal Moderate Wounds and worse. But what if an insurgent Lich sinks a neighbourhood into the Underworld while US Clerics and their allies are still in it? How will they fare for themselves without the scrolls, holy swords and consecrated machineguns that currently only our Paladin Force can deploy on a regular basis?"

lol "virgins in the soho area", yeah right

Titan Gay Rights activist Ymeron was taken into police custody this morning after crushing an orc under his heels at a Gay Pride walk.
Eyewitnesses tells us that the act took place after the orc had repeatedly yelled "To go hell you Giant Fag!" until Ymeron lost his temper.

Ymeron defended himself saying:
I'm used to being called a fag, it doesn't really bother me any more, but I will never stand being compared with our Giant cousins after their uprising when my parents almost went extinct.

This just in!! A Very Special Report from our New York news desk, all charges in the Dominique Strauss-Khan case have been dropped. when questioned about this, the NYPD chief of police was quoted as saying "it's not rape if it's an elf."

Libyan rebels have recently called for bold adventurers to delve into the tunnels beneath Warpriest Gadaffi's compound, and capture the former dictator. It is expected that prospective heroes will have to face Gadaffi's legion of minotaur warriors, as well as the possibility of wandering monsters from the Underdark. A one-million gold bounty has been offered, along with half of the kingdom of Libya and the hand of the King's daughter.

>Bork bork bork, Sweedish, bork bork, meatballs

I lost it way harder than I should have

Representatives of the union for Drow Rights in Society is suing the state of Georgia saying that they have video evidence of paladin officers using smite evil on a couple of young drows that they arrested for loitering with intent.
"The two young men hadn't done anything wrong! Just because our race is inherently evil doesn't mean detect evil can be used as proof of a crime! And even so the paladins where over an inappropriate amount of force, something that has been going on for years here and that we have been trying to bring to media's attention before" said the spokesperson from DRS.
Paladin officer Palevor The Just's controversial reply to the news reporters is now causing small outbursts of rioting:
"It's their own damn fault, I send my best men into the streets every day where they risk their lives keeping the innocent safe. Drows are statistically overrepresented in crime statistics for a reason and if reacting on a gut feeling against those cave-dwellers can save their lives to serve another day then I'm happy for it."

Social networking has been blamed for the recent rioting in the UK. A spokesperson from the London Metropolitan Police stated "We believe that the rioters have been sharing video clips of bardic music on Spellbook and other social networking sites." It is alleged that this music may instil in the listener a magical compulsion to commit petty crimes.

>>16060328
>Florida
>Full of old adventurers

God damn, I lol'd

The recently recognized United People's Republic of The Crystal Kingdom has caused political uproar by forcefully deporting immigrants who refuse to swear fealty to The Crystal Queen.

Today was a momentous day for the Kobold civil rights movement. Puncolm X, the leader of a militant faction of Kobold activists, known for his "By any means necessary" slogan, made a major speech in Washington. He explained that he will no longer tolerate Kobolds being treated as fodder for entry level adventurers across the nation. He went on to say that if Congress does not react and pass a comprehensive Kobold civil rights bill, he will have no choice but to "proceed with ascension" without further delay. Neither the White House nor Capitol Hill have released official responses to the threat.

Disneyworld is once again in the spotlight, due to one of its mascots running amok earlier today. The mascot, a magically created human/mouse hybrid was one of thousands created by the arch-illusionist Walt Disney as part of his grand scheme to reduce costs and to create an army of utterly loyal henchmen. The mascot was defeated by a passing group of adventurers, but not before doing millions of dollars of damage to the park.

5 year old blonde human middle class girl is still missing after her parents brought her on vacation to the magical cursed labyrinth of mirrors.
In an effort to aid the search of the girl the parents urge wizards to use their scrying powers to find their daughter on facebook groups. This has led to many people harassing and sending hostile messages to wizards, blaming the lack of success in the case on their inability to cooperate.

A wizard, who wishes to be anonymous, tells us:
These people are idiots, they don't know the responsibilities we have, we can't spend our time looking for missing white human middle class children and keeping the world safe by battling with evil godspawn from space, sometimes you just have to prioritize.

>>16061471

A nationwide movement has been put forth to sue the creator of an online imageboard. When reached for comment, a representative for "Troll Rights OnLine" stated that the antics of some users have lead to the "defamation of character" of an entire race. In lieu of currency, the equal rights group only seeks to implement a word filter.

The Coca-cola Company's stuck plummeted to catastrophic levels today. An archivist known as Darius the Learned revealed the fruits of many years of research: from the seeds of the Create Water spell, he has fashioned a Create Coke spell. With this, he has now devised a Decanter of Endless Coke.

He has also produced a Decanter of Endless Diet Coke, but it will not be available for purchase until later. "The effects of combining the Decanter's geyser function with Mentos brand candy can be extraordinarily dangerous. We will not be placing the Decanter of Diet Coke on the market until we can engineer a solution to this hazardous liability."

The Coca-cola Company is expected to file for bankruptcy by the end of Third Quarter.

>>16061644
In related news the AAC, or Army Alchemist Core, have been rumored to be working on a new form of propulsion for their infamous rocket propelled pop-rocks missiles.

>>16061542
In response, the Minor Trickster Deity known as 'Moot' called a press conference, at which point he began projecting several hours of high quality human-on-troll pornography of all flavours.


Now to our front line reporter;

"... didn't even know trolls had a barb on their penis oh god oh god that poor goat someone call the pol..."

And now to a commercial break!

Over 1000 year old documents produced by Irish faeries has brought up thousands of old unsolved murder cases where disappearances had been falsely fingered on faeries.

A cultural uprising in japan has just taken place as several ancient spirits has returned to earth only to officially denounce their nationality after finding out how they have been dishonored on the internet in so called "manga" porn.

"This just in: An Adventurer is on a rampage in downtown Detroit."

"Witnesses reported seeing the adventurer casting Ice Assassin, and summoning Pazuzu, just prior to jumping off a building and drowning himself in a bucket of water. How exactly all these actions correlate is unknown, but our man on the scene has claimed that the adventurer has cast over 200 level 9 spells in the past half hour. Frank?"

"3.5 is really fucking broken."

"Indeed. Now, for sports!"

>>16061805
>rampage in Detroit
>destroying Detroit

Give this man a medal!

>>16061805
Pelor damned optimizers. I swear, they're ruining this Plane. Back in my day, if somebody was optimizing like that, they'd get crushed by rocks falling from nowhere. I wonder why that doesn't happen any more?

Environmentalists are raising concerns that the nation's prison system is polluting the planet. Ever since conventional penitentiaries were replaced by the Imprison spell in 1983, convicts have been locked in suspended animation deep beneath the surface of the earth. The EPA and USGS are now conducting studies to determine whether an overabundance of comatose criminals could impact the geologic and seismic patterns of the planet, as well as effects on soil and groundwater. Even former vice president Al Gore has spoken out on the subject, stating that his research shows Imprisoned criminals are a leading cause of global warming.

Imprisonment specialist, and noted demilich, Meldor the Malignant responded to the former VP by saying, "It is simply impossible for the Imprisonment process to be causing global warming. There is no data to support such claims. Nor could such data possibly exist, since I initiated global warming with an entirely different spell to commence the eventual fusion of this world with the Negative Energy Plane. But perhaps I've said too much."

>>16061805
Update on the Detroit Situation: The Adventurer has reportedly Plane Shifted to the Astral Plane, with the intention of casting Genesis to craft a demiplane where time moves at 10^40 times the speed of our own plane.

This has shocked and terrified the local media, who, quote, "Were hoping he'd destroy the whole town. Seriously, I hate this city.", end quote.

A new line of Happy Meal toys has the world of science scratching its head. Leading experts cannot find any signs of electronics in the voice activated plastic prizes. Is your child safe? Stay tuned after the break.

>>16061938
michiganfag here
I totally approve of this

Has anyone here played d20 Modern with Urban Arcana? It's pretty much this entire thread. It can be awesome if everyone has an opened mind and isn't too interested in breaking every game they play.

Breaking news!

Zombie Churchill emerged from Waterloo station demanding the brains of the so that the many may live. Londoners were heard to say "Fuck that shit you dick" before tearing him apart.

>>16061376

European law enforcement paladins denounced their American counterparts for using "obsolete and inaccurate detect alignment spells"

They were in turn criticised for failing to contain riots in the UK to which the British law enforcement paladins responded "Woah now every Brit by virtue of birth has six levels in barbarian. We loose that once we become paladins. Trying to contain a riot here is effectively suicide. Plus a lot of these kids have multiclassed into barbarian variants"

>>16061938
And now more on the Detroit rampage. After speaking with senior officials from the Adventurer Registration Bureau, it has come to light that the Adventurer in question was not a registered spellcaster. Amidst public disapprove over this apparent oversight, the director of the ARB had this to say.

"I want to assure the general public that this was an isolated incident. The adventurer in question was not a member of any primary spellcasting class. He was merely using an extremely complex and min/maxed build. Had we know he was able to cast higher level spells, he would have been required to register. I take full responsibility for our failure to keep an eye on him. I never thought Factotums were much of a threat until now."

Well, we'll just have to see what Emperor Zaruul has to say about that. We've got the Adventurer's former party in the studio with us right now though. Tell us, had your friends behavior changed in the past month?

*Anna is a high-level Druid from Washington State*
"He'd always been a bit of a weird one, but ever since he starting hanging out with Puncolm X and that Elven Artificer, he'd been getting progressively less and less sane. He'd spend days shopping for 'the perfect spell', and he'd gather hundreds of magic items only to sell them off because 'he forgot one'. Honestly, I'm not surprised at all that he lost it. The weird thing is though, I've never know him to be able to cast 9th level spells. It's weird, isn't it?"

Very strange indeed, Anna. We'll have more on this story as it unfolds.

Australia's quarantine is still in effect, after a report last month that Dire Bird Spiders had been discovered onboard boats attempting to leave the Sydney harbor.

This is the seventh time the rest of the world has quarantined Australia in the past year. The Prime Minister is quote, 'sick of you pansies putting up Walls of Force around our country just because you're scared of some little tiny spiders.'

The rest of the world shot back, 'Those things aren't tiny, they're bigger than a fucking car!'

>>16062288
>Adventurer Registration Bureau
FUCKING NAZIS

The Washington Zoo announced yesterday that Ting-Ting and Xing-Xing, the Chinese tarrasques currently residing in the zoo as gesture of good will from Beijing, have successfully mated. The mating process left 24 square blocks of downtown in ruins and killed over 8700 people, wounding almost 15,000 others. Biologists at the zoo confirmed that Xing-Xing is indeed pregnant, and she is expected to deliver her titanic bundle of joy around March of 2350. The zoo has had tremendous difficulties getting the pair together and feared that the species may face extinction if these rare specimens could not be made to breed.

Meanwhile in Norway, a greater paladin of unknown diety has slaugthered an entire island of lesser level adventures who was a part of a anti rascist organisation support the mix of arabic classes and norwegian ones.
The locals are starting to get tired of the first page entires.

>>16062631
the spokesman for the spiders declined to commend, only wiggling it's pedipalps and fangs in what was later determined to be a rude gesture.

>>16062782
godspeed Brave sir knight, godspeed.

>>16062782
>imagining them as ballsy level 2 rogues
I laughed.

>>16062782
That would be cleric or blackguard, or possibly inquisitor.

Or maybe we're operating on 4E rules?

Border control officials have expressed concern that illegal immigrants are entering the country via magical portals from Sigil, the City of Doors. The Lady of Pain declined to comment.

In national news, cities along the East coast are currently experiencing a rise in Troll populations. Local Elves are advised to take caution.

In the UK, the House of Commons is due to debate a bill which will solve unemployment and improve the speed of the Royal Mail by forming the unemployed into lines by the side of roads and having them pass mail from one to the next.

This proposal is based on the "Fusil d'Acceleration de la Prolétariat" system, established in France three years ago, although their system is currently not operating due to strike action.

Meanwhile, at CERM, Thaumaturgists are using similar methods to solve the mysteries of the universe. Using 20,000 volunteers, they have accelerated Kender to relativistic velocities and collided them together to advance the cause of science. The researchers have been remarkably tight-lipped on the subject of what they hope to prove, but one was quoted as saying "Erm... yes, it is very important. We are learning so much by smashing these annoying buggers together, but we still need to collect much more data."

/tg/, I love you

British forces in Afghanistan killed a number of insurgents after entering a barbarian rage when the insurgent forces blew up their ammo dump.
NATO an UN investigators are currently questioning senior figures in the British Army about their use of the British peoples innate barbarian level skills which are banned under the Geneva convention. The MoD's official response was "Come on you fuckin cunts if you think you're ard enough"

Many travelers were delayed today as Xecxcotl, the prismatic god-king of dragons, descended upon Chicago this morning, crushing much of the city beneath his enormous body. Xecxcotl unleashed a mighty roar that not only deafened nearly everyone within a 200 mile radius, but heralded The Scaled Quickening, a time when all draconic beings must gather at him and face judgment as their souls are weighed in the Clawed Scales of Destiny. Although Xecxcotl did not damage O'Hare International Airport with his landing, the swarms of dragons, wyverns, and other creatures filling the skies snarled air traffic and left nearly every plane grounded. Flights all over the country were delayed and canceled as Xecxcotl's mighty brood clogged the airways of the nation. Because a typical Draconic Quickening lasts an entire lunar cycle, this is expected to deal a severe blow to the already floundering airline industry.

>>16064245
In other news, a shitload of people are now permanently deaf thanks to some asshole dragon landing in Chicago.

Also, 3,000 people have been crushed to death.

Way to go, Xecxcotl, you bastard.

>This thread
Not sure if good or shitty

>>16062288
We've just confirmed it: The Detroit Berserker has attained divines ranks in the double digits. While none of the gods have commented on the situation, the UN has reported that their various armies have been put on high alert. In addition, several thousand Paladins have found themselves semingly compelled to travel to their respective deity's home plane. Whether or not this actually has anything to do with the Berserker's gaining of roughly 30 divine ranks has yet to be seen.

Emperor Zaruul, current president of the united states, had this to say:

"FOOLISH GODS. THEY CANNOT HOPE TO STOP THE NEWLY ASCENDED MORTAL. FOR HE IS A MEMBER OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND THEREFORE MY SUBJECT. I WILL FIGHT TO ASSIST THIS NEW OVERGOD IN SUBJECTING THE REST OF REALITY, THAT I MIGHT RULE IT WITH AN IRON FIST."

Inspiring words from the President of this glorious country.

>Dark Elf
>president

still can't get around that

>>16064486
Obama got overthrown by the Dark Sorceror Zaruul, remember?

His kids are probably plotting to get revenge as we speak. Maybe they've already gone through a training montage, who knows?

rolled 4 = 4

Today in Russia, it was business as usual as half a dozen epic-level sorcerers attempted to overthrow Vladimir Putin. As usual, their spells were reflected by his scaly hide, and the would-be assassins were devoured whole by the Russian Prime Minister.

>>16064573

The Prime Minister's well known accomplice the current President charged in without fear as it is well known that Gnomes have no fear.

Bumping for the night crowd.

BAMP

Bump for justice

Now onto a story that's a whale of a tale. Local fishermen off the coast of Louisiana have recently enacted a class action lawsuit, claiming local cultists have caused irreversible damage and mutation to local fish populations after their annual gathering. Spokesperson for the cultists, David Garnay issued a statement calling for "An end to intolerance against our religious practices." More on this as it develops.

A scandal in the blog-community as a woman who blogs about life as a homosexual orc in Teheran turned out to be a 49 year old unemployed Dwarf man living in Pennsylvania.

"This is typical, we will never be respected by society if people keep just making stuff up!" says Elaine, a centaur woman who runs a fashion-blog for non-humanoid women

CIA operatives known as Shadooloo has destroyed all remnants of the terorrist organisation known as Al-Qaeda.

>>16071493
According to CIA spokespeople, Director Bison was heard to shout "YES!" and "THIS IS DELICIOUS!" at the news.

When asked if this was true, he declared, "OF COURSE!"

>>16060328
Your subjects and your verbs, they does not agree.

this thread is like The Onion News but with a fantasy theme

>>16071609
Except that we're actually making a setting with it.

I think I'll have to organise a game set in this marvelously weird universe we're creating

Centaur Stan was fined today for doping charges and was stripped of his Olympic gold medals.

Centaur Stan has always maintained his innocence stating that his coach and trainer, the goblin Phartlap, had slipped the steroids into his food without his knowledge.

Judge P. Ladden managed to defeat Centaur Stan in court earlier today in a battle that lasted nearly a full hour.

The Talking Horses' Alliance hailed the Judge as a hero of all beings.

Today on the O'R'lyeh Factor, we'll be discussing how the liberals in the ARB are pushing for higher ECLs on Aberration-Americans!

The ARB makes it so that all Adventurer's have to be certain level to do certain jobs. And because of these ECL restrictions, Illithids, Aboleths, and Beholder adventurer can't get the entry level positions they need to start making money, and start getting experience, because the ARB is run by a bunch of Liberals who want to give handouts to the humanoids!

It's Socialism, folks! Government sanctioned, apologist socialism!

>>16071648
>Phartlap
Oh Jesus my sides, it hurts so good.
Thank you haven't had a laugh that good in a while.

The history books were rewritten today as it came to light that John Wilkes Booth was actually a hero to the American people. It was revealed that on the night of President Lincoln's assassination, Ford's Theater was enacting an infamous play known as The King in Yellow.

Booth, being a prominent thespian in his day, was aware of the danger posed by the play, and conspired to thwart its performance, or at least the president's attendance. When such attempts failed, he was forced to carry out his last contingency - killing the president - as a means of saving Mr. Lincoln's soul and preventing the nation from falling into an eternity of darkness at the hands of He Who Shall Not Be Named.

This information was covered up by president Andrew Johnson and his political cronies, who painted Booth as a Southern extremist to foment their vision of what we now know as Radical Reconstruction.

President Obama will conduct a ceremony on Sunday to posthumously pardon Mr. Booth and award him the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

>President Obama were slain

In recent news the daughter of lord Akira, leader of one of Korea's most prominent kumiho clans, is scheduled to marry a human by the name of Jin Tanaka who earlier in the year made a name for himself as the monk who slayed a flock of feral harpies that had been terrorizing the city of Seoul. It is expected this union will have minimal political impact.

The Efreeti Authority issued a message to Israel today: if they are not given complete control of Gaza by the end of the month, they will cause fire to rain from the sky over the Holyland. The Israeli government shot back, saying that this is just another empty threat from the blatantly anti-djinnetic efreet, and that they will not negotiate with terrorists.

TSA officials have strongly encouraged travelers to cancel trips to the Middle East, and the Department of Homeland Security has raised the caution level to orange.

In international news, President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who made public his controversial apprenticeship under famed lich and necromancer Abdul Alhazared last year, has been slain by the herd of manticores that have been terrorizing Tehran for the past three years.
Alhazared, when asked to comment, told us "That fool [Ahmadinejad]. I spend a year trying to teach the bastard the fundaments of the arcane and he finally manages to cast acid spray and he thinks he can go off and save the world."

In other news, Bessie, the giant turtle that makes up the foundation of Venice died again today. The Italian government has requested aid from the EU, but to no avail. It seems Bersculoni's regime has run out of resurrection scrolls and does not have enough money to buy more. High Priest Benedictus of the Vatican Temple has offered to resurrect Bessie in exchange for control of south Tirolia, but no word from the Italian government yet.

Breaking news! Loch Ness is well known for it's resident but illusive monster. This Just moments ago the once majestic beast has become no more. An unidentified man of African-American ethnicity detonated an estimated several thousand kilos of explosives and made an expedient escape before authorities could arrive on the scene. If you have any information on the loch ness bomber please let us know.

In other news, the Australian government has announced a new plan to deal with what has been known as the "Outback Situation" as a direct result of the country having been quarantined yet again.

Australia has petitioned the United States, The European Union, China, Russia and Israel for assistance in the taming of the Outback. The Outback, a lawless, inhospitable land where the law of man is not only ignored but treated with downright hostility, has long since been the cause of frustration for the Australian people. Ever since the colonization of the country the humans have struggled to deal with the wasteland-next-door.

The "Monster Proof Fence", erected at the turn of the century, is a perfect reflection of the severity of the Australian situation. The ten meter thick concrete monstrosity runs for kilometers, manned constantly by armed soldiers. Thousands die every year along that fence, and it still isn't enough.

Several times a year, Outback creatures will break through the wall and attempt to leave the country. The United Nations Department Of Keeping Australian Wildlife Where It Belongs And Not Letting It Get At The Rest Of Us Too has, several times, been forced to place the entire country under quarantine as the Australians fight back these incursions.

The Prime Minister has evidently had enough. Calling on the world stage to launch a massive assault into the heart of the Outback, the Allied powers have amassed a force of some three million men, with billions of tons of equipment, and are preparing in Sydney Staging Ground, the largest military base in the world, to attack.

It is unsure at this time whether they will succeed but it is generally accepted among the academia that, without nuclear weapons, failure is guaranteed.

Many of you in the eastern hemisphere noticed an unscheduled solar eclipse yesterday afternoon. The cause of this was not actually the alignment of the earth, moon, and sun. Rather, it was due to the alignment of the earth, the sun, and Garzax the Worldslayer. Garzax passed through the solar system and devoured Mercury, Venus, and Mars. When reached for comment, he explained that he did not consume Earth due to his highly problematic gluten allergy. He plans to feast on the remaining non-gas planets of the solar system before proceeding into the depths of the galaxy to find additional worlds to feast upon. The only question that remains: does he still consider Pluto an object worthy of entering his trans-infinite gullet? Or will it be left at the edge of the solar system with the rest of the Kuyper belt?

>>16061358
>Libyan rebels have recently called for bold adventurers to delve into the tunnels beneath Warpriest Gadaffi's compound

Oh hai. Found you a picture of some of those intrepid adventurers.

>>16072363
I believe I have some information on this man.

The stockmarket rallied today as Ben Bernanke issued an announcement that the Federal Reserve would approve a 600 billion Gold Piece injection (financed by federal alchemists turning lead in to gold) to the economy in order to fight the crippling depression brought on by the pocket plane bubble of 2008.
Congressman Ron Paul denounced this move, calling for an end to the federal reserve alchemists association and a return to the barter system.

Gentlemen I propose we continue threads such as these indefinitely

>>16075238

We should certainly archive this thread, if it hasn't been done already.

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced today that dragon hunting season will be delayed indefinitely, due to the rapidly decreasing dragon population caused by drastic over-hunting. Anyone caught hunting or harvesting out of season is subject to fines or imprisonment.

>>16071689
>Today on the O'R'lyeh Factor

I've never laughed so hard.

Bump

>>16060874
Fuck you, I nearly coughed up a lung.

>>16071850
Nicely done.

In other news, can health potions cause cancer?

The Society for Holistic Magic released a study today that links certain brands of health potion, such as Aidvil and Tyranidol, to several strains of magical cancer.

The head of the Department of Health and Magical Affairs, Dorphil Hungary, had this to say,

"I find these accusations to be baseless and slanderous. The studies involved were entirely based on the testimony of adventurers who descended into fiery dungeons wearing asbestos-lined armor. A link between over-the-counter health potions and cancer, if there is one, must be determined by far less circumstantial evidence."

In Entertainment News: Goth casualties reach staggering numbers following the shocking revelation of real vampires in the celebrity world. Many have been aided by Hollywood executives and top spellcasters to bear working in daylight hours.

The first to come forward? None other than former rapper, Coolio.