marine humor is extremly funny and well made... almost noone can pull it off however... i certainly can't

I'm sure they just requisition the best jokes from other chapters.

So i met an ultramarine yesterday...

Two heretics walk into a Bar. The Inquisition Orders Exterminatis.

It's mostly dry and british.

I met a one legged man yesterday. He was a heretic.

>>16196899
What are you talking about, "requisition"? The Magpies are gifted the most hilarious and sidesplitting jokes from all over the Imperium of Man. They even get a few from the Eldar once in a while, but those aren't nearly as funny.

An Ultramarine, a Space Wolf, and a Blood Raven walk into his bar.

>>16196904
Disgusting creatures. I hope to never see another.

I personally imagine assault marines yelling GERONIMOOOOOO

a witch, a mutant, and a heretic walk into a bar

Exterminatus the planet

Knock Knock

>>16196966
Who's there?

>>16196884
>Thaddeus: DAMNIT AVITUS YOU NEARLY SHOT ME WITH YOUR HEAVY BOLTER EARLIER!
>Avitus: Bah, you lived.
>Devastator brother: You're lucky you're an assault squad sargeant, Thaddeus. You just have to face the enemy in battle. I have to look this monster in the face every day.
>hurrrhurrderp*slaps on backs and high fives*hrrr

Also you read this in their voices.

>>16196905
It's funny cause it's true....

What's the difference between a a panda bear and a Space Wolf?
One eats shoots and leaves, the other eats, shoot, and leaves.

>>16196975
CALIBER EXTERMINATUS AMUNATION HERETIC!

>>16196985
CALIBER EXTERMINATUS AMUNATION HERETIC! Who?

>>16196993
*BLAM!*

I imagine them being like the Spartans from 300

I never get that one right.

>>16197013
Plus them making light fun of any other than their Chapter-Brothers.

Knock Knock
WHos there?
The Interrupting Commissar
The in*BLAM*
heretics.

So I bumped into an Eldar Farseer the other day and I asked her "why the long face?"

LOL jk jk I shot her with my bolt pistol

An Ork warboss is sitting in a trench with his horde of boyz behind him, when he hears an Astartes shout from the other side of no-man's land "One Space Marine is worth ten Orks!" Recognizing a challenge when he hears one, the Warboss immediately sends ten eager boyz up and over to make the space marine eat his words. A moment later, the sounds of battle echo across the field, and ends just as quickly without a single Ork returning.
Then the same voice calls out "One Space Marine is worth fifty Orks!" Now a bit miffed, The Boss sends fifty lads to stomp in the challenger's face. Once again, the sounds of combat are heard, the Orkish warcries filling the air, but after a few minutes it dies down and the greenskin attack is completely silenced.
"One Space Marine is worth a HUNDRED Orks!" cries the champion. Utterly furious, the Warboss summons a hundred of his best warriors, taking a while and enlisting a few Grots to help count that high with their fingers, and the warhost charges the Imperial position with a deafening WAAAGH. An epic battle is heard for ten minutes, but much to the boss's frustration, even that peters out until the field is silent once again.
However, this time a single nob crawls back into the Ork trench, and tells him "They cheated, boss! Dere was TWO of 'em!"

I bet a lot of Space Wolf jokes just boil down to your mom jokes after a while.

Marine #1: "The Tau have no nose."
Marine #2: "How do they smell?"
Marine #1: "Terrible."

>>16197009
>>16197047
Now I'm imagining them shooting each other with lasguns and autoguns and laughing about it.

Space Marine joke book: The Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer.

One of the tests set forth by Imperial Fist recruits is to hear the funniest joke in the Imperium and not even crack a smile.

A Space Marine and two Xeno's walk into a bar ..... there were no survivors ......... THAT IS THE JOKE

>>16197089
COMEDIAN OF THE YEAR EVERY YEAR

I always pictures Space Marines goofing around by playing lazer tag with IG rifles

>>16197082
I wouldn't tell Guard jokes near Avitus.

>>16197120
lol

>>16197089
YOU SUCK MCBAINIUM

Why don't genestealers make good pets?

because they're genestealers...

>>16196884
I think their jokes would be minimal, like joking about how their commanding officer is more dangerous than the enemy. Anything beyond that might be seen as disrespectful which is anathema to space marine upbringing.

That said I could see a whole unit of space marines falling over because an ork accidentally killed one of his fellow boyz by shooting him in the ass or etc.

That said I remember this one awesome short story someone posted about how a group of space marines was helping clear up some ork bodies they killed when a woman comes over and asks if she can entertain one of the battle brothers, they proceed to talk to her about how the process actually does all sorts of things to their genitalia like puts chainswords on it and etc.

Then the sergeant gets wind and comes over, tells her to please leave, then turns on the two in question and tells them "just because they don't like women, you shouldn't ruin it for the other battle brothers... oh and please make less noise tonight, some brothers need to sleep."

Was funny, and I am screwing up on the telling of it.

So a Space Wolf walks into a bar...

What's the deal with the Dark Angels? I mean come on three different armor colors for one chapter?

>>16197158
That sounds /tg/ worthy, someone must track down this masterwork of fan fiction!

>>FOR THE GREATER GOOD

>>16197180
Shut up Seinfieldius.

>>16197013

This.

So, which of you assholes filled the Dreadnoughts tank with Tabasco?

So I walk up to a battle brother of the ultramarines, look him square in the eye and say "Do you like Rowboat?" "Rowboats do not fit in the space marine's lifestyle my battle brother" "Then why do you worship him????"

Then I ran because someone realized the ultramarines were trying to gift us their primarch and didn't like it...

Guardsmen.

A librarian, a Tech-Priest and an Inquisitor get in a bar fight, who wins?

CHAOS, that is why we must never permit such a thing!

>>16197049
>>16197072
Brilliant.

Who filled Avitus' heavy bolter with beer instead of bolts? Now all the Eldar died of alcohol poisoning

>>16197243
A space marine, an Inquisitor and a Imperial Guard General walk into a bar
*CLANG*
Tzeentch wins, Eldrad to try again

>>16197206
Seinfeldius is unfunny anyway.

>>16197238
FUUUUUUUUUUUU

In the HH books, some Space Marines make fun of the younger ones.

Like, one of them says 'Ha, I'm getting advice from someone whose breath still smells like their mother's milk'.

Ultramarine #1: "Praise the Emperor, but sometimes I think that my pauldrons are too big."
Ultramarine #2: "... you could always gift them to the Blood Ravens."

>>16197304

"Battle Brothers. Honestly, tell me... does this tabard make my pauldrons look fat?"

>>16197051
I love, absolutely love, telling the original of that joke to people who like marines.

Real marines, I mean. Not space marines.

>>16197304
Ha!

See, it's funny because no true Ultramarine would ever think that about his honorable pauldrons.

"Hey battle brother"
"yeah?"
"Your momma so fat when she sits down she needs 2 golden thrones."
"Aww damn, well your momma so ugly that even kroot won't eat her."
"Well damn, but I will be a grot if your momma isn't so dumb she thinks a flamer is just a guy that performs musical theater"
"that may be, but your mother is so blind she once kissed an ork because she thought it was you."
"oh yeah? well your momma is so ugly she once kissed an ork because they are the only ones who WOULD kiss her!'
"Chaplain: Hold, you repeated a joke type, you must recite unto us the litany of comedy and pray unto the emperor to provide you with a funny bone, preferably from a saint.... I wonder if the grey knights have any funny bones from all those sisters of battle they slaughtered... half of them seem to be saints or trying to... never mind..."

>>16197331

"Want to hear a joke? Sisters of Battle."

"What do you get if you cross a Space Wolf Scout and a Sister? A flamethrower."

"Why did the Sister's morale break? She was pining for her old flame."

>>16196884
also in the HH books (I think it was even in the first one?), there's a little scene were two Lunar Wolves joke around, basically they're making fun of the Ultramarines because their stupid faggots without a sense of humour who are totally full of themselves. Can't remember the exact exchange of words, but I thought it was pretty fucking funny, especially since most (non-Ultramarine-)players see 'em like this.

Blood raven stands in ruble of burned town. Little boy is crying in ruble.
Marine: Hey little one, do you want to see trick? ...Ohh I got your nose!
5 minutes latter in Litany of Fury. ``Battle brothers!!! Look, we were gifted this nose!

Ultramarines like to joke about the Codex Astartes when they use a jump pack to leap into an overwhelming force of enemies. The delivery goes like this:

"Captain, the Codex Astartes does not support this action."
"TRY TO KEEP UP LOL."

Truth.

So a space wolf, a blood raven, and a custodes walk into a bar and get completely hammered. The space wolf and custodes wake up the next morning in the vacant lot where the bar used to be, completely naked.

The space wolf turns to the Custodes and says "I knew that was gonna happen, but honestly I am angrier about the lack of beer than the lack of clothing honestly...." to which the custodes replies "Your angry? My battle brother just stole my new armor!"

what does an ultramarine feel when he snipes a heretic? Recoil

There is an Eldar Craftworld and the Eldar are doing their typical foul xenos witchery when all of a sudden they are hailed from a small asteroid not far away. Over the communications channels a voice boasts that,
“One Space Marine can defeat ten Eldar.”
The Eldar snidely send ten aspect warriors over to the asteroid. They wait a few minutes but then all they hear is screaming Eldar. After a short pause the voice from before comes back on and proudly declares that,
“One Space Marine can defeat one hundred Eldar.”
The Eldar are now angry and so round up ninety aspect warriors and ten warlocks and send them over to the asteroid. This time the sound of battle is almost instantaneous but once again the screams of dying are the only thing heard save perhaps the barking of a bolter. Before the screaming has even stopped the voice says that
“One Space Marine can defeat one thousand Eldar.” The popping of an Eldar skull punctuates the sentence.
The Eldar are now furious and gather all the warriors they have remaining as well awakening the Avatar of Khaine. They send this host full speed to the asteroid. The battle sounds a little less one sided this time and eventually the ship that was sent to the asteroid limps back towards the craftworld. From the ship emerges and a dying Avatar, power armoured boot-prints right on its face and its ass.
“They-they cheated!” gasped the Avatar as it began to crumble to ash, “It-it was an Ultramarine!”

M: Brother Artremis! I bet my next feast kill that you can't hit that renegade sniper in the bell tower!

A: We'll see.

B: *whispers to M* Marcius, I thought we cleared this ground two hours ago?

M: *whispers to B* I told the Commander about this little bet of mine, Beltar, he agreed that one bet won with the aid of his portable holographer was sufficient reward for beheading the Apostate of T'rul.

B: Oh, I see *grins* Come on, Artremis, surely you must have hit the heathen by now!

A: By Abbadon's shoulders, I swear I've hit himm at least a dozen times, five in the head alone... Marcius, you scamp!

M: Figured it out already, Brother? Well, I can't pull the sack-cloth over your eyes.

A: I'm sure the commander will have words with me for falling for the trick... say did he let you use his-

B: He did.

*And then they all had a good laugh before purging the next sector between the three of them.*

>>16197476
*first hit, meant drop

This thread is too good not to archive

Marine 1: Why did the Grey Knight jump into the sewer after a coffee mug?

Marine2: I don’t know.

Marine 1: Because he had a Blood Raven stapled to him!

>>16197442
Gold.

This is Salamander Kaufman wrestling a Guardswoman in preparation for this matchup against Ultramarine Lawler.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uQlB99WCuk

Marine #1: "Greetings Battle Brother. Did you hear about what happened on Darian III?"
Marine #2: "With the Blood Ravens and the 7th Legion of Imperial Guard? What happened?"
Marine #1: "After a vicious battle the Guardsmen took the planet."
Marine #2: "Those brave men. I am glad."
Marine #1: "Be still your happiness, brother. For while the Guardsmen took the planet, the Blood Ravens took the Guardsmens' Space Fleet."

I've got this mental image of two old Space Marines (probably Dreadnoughts) who snark at the antics of everyone around them.

Pic related.

>>16200045
>Statnaught and Waldread
Awesome.

>>16200061

"Brother Statler, be vigilant! I hear Noise Marines nearby!"
"No, Brother Waldorf, that is the Tenth Company singing hymns!"
"DO HO HO HO HO!"

>why are guardsmen so hard to kill?
I don't know, why?
>The commissar always gets to them first

>What's the difference between a foul, xeno, tau child, and an onion?
I don't cry when I cut up tau children.

>How many heritic does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you through them.

>What's the difference between a bucket of shit, and a filthy heritic?
The bucket.

I have made the inhuman noise of laughter.

On Board an Ultramarine Battle barge.
"Sir, we've encountered an Iron Hands fleet."
"Good prepare for combat."
"No sir, the Iron Hands are on our side. You're thinking Iron Warriors."
"Really I could have sworn it was the other way around."
"It matters not sire, The Alpha Legion and the Emperor's children have shown up."
"Good Focus all fire on the alpha legion, let us aid our Brothers."
"I beg your Pardon sir, but the Emperor's Children are the enemy as well."
"Are you kidding? With a name like that! You can't get anymore loyalist!"
"Sir The Flesh Tearer's have shown up!"
"Has the Emperor abandoned us?"
"No sir they are on our side."
"You've got to be kidding me! That just SOUNDS heretical, next you'll be telling me the Blood Drinkers our on our side as well!"
"..."
"Really? Ok what about the Dark Angles?"
"Ours..."
"And the Word Bearers...?"
"Theirs."
"This is so confusing."
"Sir it really doesn't matter we have to engage the enemy."
"Right target the Iron Warriors, they are the closest."
"Iron Hands you mean?"
"Right shoot them first."

>>16197442
I read that in a steryotypical Russian accent. It was glorious.

>>16200199
>how many heritics does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them

fixed

I wonder if any marine went through an observational humor faze.

>What's the deal with all these Black Crusades? Abbadon always retreats and he's not even black

>For that matter, what's he despoiling? He doesn't even have any arms.

"Say, battle-brother, what do you do when you see thirty dead xenos?"

"I know not, battle-brother."

"Stop laughing and reload!"

Alpha Marine jokes are the best.

>So the Emperor walks into a bar... But it turns out the place was really dead.

A guardsman, an arbites, and a techpriest are about to be executed for heresy. The commissar points his lasgun at the guardsman's head, pulls the trigger, and nothing happens. "A sign from the Emperor!" declares a chaplain, and the guardsman is released.

Next, the commissar points his gun at the arbites, pulls the trigger, and nothing happens. "A sign from the Emperor!" declares the chaplain again, and the arbites is released.

Next, as the commissar points his weapon at the techpriest, the techpriest declares, "You know, I think I see you're problem there."

...

And then everyone is executed, just to be sure.

"Know what you'd call the Cadians if they succumb to the ruinous powers?"
"Heretics!"

By the Emperor, some one archive this thread.

>A Dark Angel and a Space Wolf were walking in the park on Nova VII.

>But the Dark Angel was told he had to keep his dog off the grass.

>Meanwhile in GK base
>Venerable Dreadnought, tell us a joke!
>Battle Sister's rights, incorruptibility and faith in the emperor.


Laughter ensues.

"I say, battle-brother, did you hear about the Alpha Legion heretic who captured a squad of Space Wolves?"

"Why no, I have not, battle-brother."

"Indeed! he threatened to release one every hour if his demands were not met!"

Anyone want to post the story where the GK borrow a bunch of suits of terminator armor from different chapters just to take out human rebels and they don't repaint them so it looks like they are attacking with 30 or so chapters?

>Did you hear about the dyslexic Ogryn? Turns out he's cross eyed.

>>16197173
he was never seen again

>Did you hear about that Kharne the Betrayer?

>Turns out, he's a real asshole.

"Battle-brother, what does one call one million dead xenos?"

"I cannot say, battle-brother."

"A good start!"

How many tech priests does it take to screw in a light bulb?

...

It depends on how many came to the task.

The Rave'n Guard walk into a bar...

UNZ UNZ UNZ UNZ UNZ UNZ

>>16200403
Bumping for this story.

>>16200516

What's juicy, red, and hangs from a tree?
A Heretic!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange, who?
Orange you glad you're not a Heretic?

"Battle-brother, did you hear about the Eldar Warlock who walked into a wall with an erection?"

"No, battle-brother, I confess I have not."

"Indeed. He broke his nose."

>>16200526

"Battle-brother, what do you call a dead heretic?"

"Pray tell, battle-brother."

"Trustworthy."

So a dyslexic Dark Angel walks into a gay bar...

What's the difference between a Heretic and a pizza?
A pizza won't tell you filthy lies!

How do you make copper wire?
Throw a penny in between two Blood Ravens!

>>16200045
40,000 hours in mspaint

>>16200571
"You call the a warband?"
"I've seen tougher rubber bands!"
GRAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

>>16200571

"Battle-brother, how many xenos does it take to wallpaper one's chambers?"

"I have no idea, battle-brother."

"Two, if the are sliced thinly enough."

What do you call when the prophylactic breaks and she doesn't get pregnant?
A Glancing Hit!

Why was the blonde Eldar called Open Topped?
Because it was easy to get a Penetrating Hit in!

What's the difference between an Blood Raven and an Ork?
The Ork won't steal your shit.

"A query, battle-brother; how does one double the value of a landspeeder?"

"Tell me, battle-brother."

"Fill it with promethium."

Wolf Lord Ragnar Blackmane appeared to be dragged along the battlefield behind a rhino. When the Iron Priest examined the problem, he discovered that the Rhino was fused to the Wolf Lord's power armor codpiece.

He said, "My lord Blackmane, how did you come to have this Rhino fused to your codpiece?"

Blackmane replied "I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"

"How many space marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1. He just holds onto it, and the entire fucking universe revolves around him.

"Brother Larrion's armor is making that hissing sound again."
"Is it? Tell him to pull the ripper off the bottom of his boot."

Captain Sicarius was wandering through Tallarn when he discovers an ancient relic.

When he picked it up, a vision of a Sainted Sister appears. She said "To reward your service, The Emperor will grant you three wishes."

Sicarius thought and said, "I wish that I were an Ultramarine, that all other chapters wished they were Ultramarines, and that all space marines looked to Marneus Calgar as their spiritual liege."

The Sainted Sister said, "Captain Sicarius, you already are an Ultramarine, all other chapters already wish they were Ultramarines, and Marneus Calgar already IS their Spiritual Liege."

Sicarius was puzzled for a moment and then said, "Oh, well... Then I'll just have a coke."

- Battle brother, do you know the difference between a Blood Raven and a Tyranid?
- Well, yes, one is a space marine and the oth-
- For the sake of humour, battle brother.
- Oh, I see. No, brother, I do not.
- The Tyrand will only steal your genes.

*PUNCH*

STOP LAUGHING

*PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH*

ALL OF YOU STOP LAUGHING

"Say Battle-Brother, Do you wish to hear a joke?"
"Why, yes Battle-Brother, I would like that"
"The Imperial Guard"

>>16200853
>- For the sake of humor, battle brother.
>- Oh, I see...

This is actually what joking with a space marine would be like

"Come brothers, we're needed at the front."
"I'd prefer to go to the back. That implies we survived the front and kept going."