*Crickets chirping*

What's the daily kill quota?

*raises hand*

are we getting paid for this?

>>17498438
>>17498438
Xenos love?

>>17498451
on the battlefield, you are to kill no less than five of the enemy soldiers before you are permitted to die. This quota, as you have mentioned, is daily.

The killing of mutants, heretics, or xenos off the battlefield in your spare time shall be taken out of your quota next time you're on the front

>>17498458
you are being paid in the Emprah's love and food.

Sir, what are our chances of survival?

>>17498462
*BLAM*

>>17498473
Depends on how much the Emprah loves you. Therefore I cannot say.

What are the healthcare benefits?

>>17498479
How much does he love YOU?

And what if we don't take kindly to offworlders with pointy hats, eh, sir?
What if you were to meet an unfortunate and mysterious accident whilst asleep in your tent, sir?

Sir, won't your lack of a helmet make you easier to kill?

>>17498481
The Emprah's Love.

Should you survive until the end of the battle, any lost limbs will be replaced. Wounded are retreated upon the battle's conclusion in order of seniority. I am, after all, more important than you. Hell I may not even need to wait till battle's end to get medical attention.

I expressly came here to get shot in the head by a bolt pistol. What is the best way to go go about getting that done?

>>17498485
Having served on Armageddon for five years, I feel I can safely say, a lot.

Sir, if we see a guardsman retreating, what should our course of action be?

>>17498488
*BLAM*

>>17498438
>>17498438
Whot do hyu caire about Hchereteecs?

>>17498492
While it may be easy to come to that conclusion, the answer is no, the Emprah loves me a lot more than the majority of the rank and file.

Rule of thumb in this here guard, the higher your rank, the older you are. The older you are, the more the Emprah loves you.

>>17498501
*BLAM*

>>17498509
shoot him, if you do not do so, I will. And then I will shoot you.

Another rule of thumb, whoever I shoot, the Emprah does not love.

>>17498510
You just killed Straken, you better run, big-hat. Run back to your ship and get the hell off our planet.

>>17498535
>>17498517
*BLAM*
*BLAM*

>>17498530
Sir, if you use bolts, you'll run out of ammo. Why not use a laspistol instead? You can have limitless ammo that way.

>>17498535
Like a bolt pistol would stop Straken.

It'd just piss him off.

>>17498544
thank you soldier,
but kissing ass will only get you so far. You want a promotion, you earn it on the battlefield by showing me how much the Emprah loves you.

>>17498543
>>17498543
Commissars have a bad habit of dying gloriously in the emperor's name suspiciously far away from enemy lines around catachan jungle fighters when doing things they consider "Dangerous"...Sir

Sir do our vacation days rollover every year or do they just reset?

>>17498575
I have never in my career worked with the Catachan, and don't plan too now. Jungle fighting is not my forte.
Glorious urban combat is where I thrive, and where you, in my regiment, will learn to thrive.

>>17498549
There's only one solution here.

A GOOD OLE FASHIONED ROLL OFF

CURRENT EDITION RULES.

>>17498558
Sir, you spend valuable bolts shooting your own soldiers when it would be much more economical to use las weaponry instead, as that does not waste the Emperor's holy ammunition.

Commissar-chan

Commissar-chan

Can love bloom even on the battlefield?

>>17498585
They rollover.
As a Commissar I've saved up nearly two years of vacation time. Listen now, and listen well son, taking vacations does not get your promotions.

Also, once deployed, you may not take a vacation until the battle is won. Clashes with the ruinous powers of chaos may require post-battle inspection by our friendly neighbor Inquisitor Lord Tomalus the Unforgiving before you can take vacation time.

Vacation time is subject to immediate termination/postponement should we decide we need you on the front.

>>17498438
>>17498438
Commissar sir? The recruiters took me off to the side for some "extra scanning" and said something about me being put on a black ship?

What does that mean?

"Friendly neighbourhood commissar", huh?

seemslegit.jpg

>>17498612
No, it can never, ever bloom on the battlefield. And if it does, I will end it, it'll only take two bolts.
>>17498608
*BLAM*

>>17498438
Whats the policy on female guardsmen in terms of bumping uglies?

I wonder if the IG have any survival benefits. Like everyone able to survive gets promoted or something.

>>17498616
>>17498616
It means one of three things son,
1. You'll get the honor of being an Astartes.
2. You'll join our glorious guard as a psyker.
3. ... Let's just say you'll have the great honor of meeting the Emprah

>>17498638
Recite this checklist:
Is there xeno around you could be shooting?
Are there cowards fleeing that are not being blammed?
Are there mutants or heretics you could be killing?
Are you in an active warzone?

If you answered yes to any of these, I will shoot you and your partner for neglection of duties. Otherwise, go right on ahead

HEY COMISH! Look over there! Two man are doing something heresy!

>>17498643
depends on how well you performed on the battlefield.
Attention whores who survive get promoted much faster than others. The catch is they rarely survive.

As for survival benefits: You get to take that vacation time.

>>17498643
thats probably where Sargents are from

>>17498438
Would anyone mind if I started a bareknuckle fight club with my fellow guardsmen?

Sir, what will be our main battle strategy in case of Tyranid incursion?

>>17498669
*BLAM*
The butchery of my beloved low gothic will not be tolerated in this here regiment.

If there is heresy going on over there, it will be dealt with shortly by our base Inquisitor.

>>17498686
see the second half of
>>17498656

>>17498686
>>17498699
You are welcome to throw in your fists with the rest of us and fight...if you feel up to it

>>17498693
Tyranid incursions are a nasty bit of work. Our main strategy will be to hold the line and do as our general says.

I have fought them once before, and believe me, on the day we face the Tyranids, we'll find out who here the Emprah truly loves.

Does our HMO cover voluntary augmetics? Or just basic replacements for limbs lost in honorable battle?

>>17498720
depends on your rank. The day you reach Commissar is the day you get full coverage.

You are a rookie. Don't count on it.

>>17498699
Oh good he's not looking! Everyone, CHEESE IT!
I didn't sign up for this! I'm going the Tau

The rain makes my armor melt, is this intended?

>>17498745
*BLAM*

Now y'all need to get bionic implants in your ears as soon as you can. Its essential for commissars.

I am frankly disappoint too, not one of you soldiers shot the traitor. Could've won some slack from me in the future

>>17498749
No, does happen occasionally though.
I have bad news for you son, when the armor melts in the rain, the Emprah generally does not love the wearer.

>>17498757
Sir, if I may speak, None of us have been given weapons yet.

I put a sticker on my lasgun, is this tech heresy?

>>17498773
didn't they give you your weapons in basic son?

GIVE ME SOMETHING TO SHOOT!
... Please.
>>17498773
I got one. BIIIIG one too.

>>17498779
Technicalities are not my department, would you like me to ask our local techpriest?

>>17498781
Sir, no sir. They gave us our uniforms, and told us we would be given weapons after briefing of our duties, sir.

>>17498787
Well I don't got no weapons here,
I'll tell the techpriest to load them on the transport, you can arm up on the way to the battlefield.

If he forgets. Clearly the Emprah does not love you.

>>17498686
>>17498714
>>17498781
Commissar, if I may ask again, would you join us in our more martial past times when a battle is not raging and there are no heretics, xenos, or cowards to shoot?

☼Why do you hate "heresy"?☼

>>17498807

*BLAM* Faith is purer when it's unquestioning...

>>17498785
>>17498785
>>17498779
>>17498779

With your permission Commissar Sir.

If the "sticker" does not interfere with any of the workings of the sacred tech, you may alter the surface

>>17498802
nope, tried mingling with the regiment once. Made it that much harder when I had to call an orbital bombardment on them to save them from a
miniature warp storm.

>>17498807
*BLAM*

>>17498821
there you go son, stickers are fine.

>>17498798
Sir, I hear the honored space marines of the blood ravens chapter are fighting with us. Maybe we can ask them if they have seen the waepons transports

>>17498823
☼dissolves into CHAOS☼

umm, sir I see you kill my brother
does that mean you have to kill me too?

>>17498838
No need to ask, they have it. We'll acquire more later.

Third rule of thumb: Blood Ravens, bless their holy souls, are weapon kleptomaniacs. When it comes to stealing shit, they are truly the Emprah's finest.

>>17498757
I'm sorry my reflexes aren't as good as yours sir!

>>17498785
All lasguns the recruits were issued were stowed in the cargo hold prior to entry into warp-space, Commissar. They are currently undergoing Tech-quarantine to assure that no malicious machine spirits have tampered with their sacred seals or conduits.
Bayonets are currently available at the armory for all troopers, however. Calculations show no significant loss of combat readiness.

>>17498862
So we only have Bayonets to fight with?

>>17498854
>>17498854
Not unless you commit some kind of heresy.

You asking me to kill you?

>>17498869
Guess so.

Gotta say, of all the regiments I've had, this one isn't getting much love from the Emprah.

>>17498876
No, sir I'm not
And no sir I'm not committing any heresy

>>17498881

Weapons or not, I SHALL FIGHT FOR THE EMPRAH

>>17498899
That attitude will get you far in this here guard son.

>>17498823
Its okay if you are intimidated commissar, no shame in hiding it, this planet is home to many martial systems, some are silly and flashy, others are practical and strong, the latter you will find here in this colony

Which xenos species ave hearts we can eat after we shot tem?

Sir, what happens if I end up surviving the battle?

So who are we gonna be facing commisar sir?

>>17498911
Oh well, if that's how you're going to be, I'll just have to lay down the law later.

>>17498913
there is no such thing as an editable xenos heart. To eat one would make you weaker and subhuman. To be subhuman is to shun the Emprah. That son, is heresy.

>>17498821
>>17498821
Commissar sir. I must say it worries me that this guardsman wishes to alter sacred tech weaponry in the name of aesthetic enjoyment.

The want to enjoy the look of his/her weapon reeks of heresy

>>17498928
you get vacation time, maybe a promotion. This was answered earlier.

>>17498913

*STAB* *STAB* *STAB* I need no lasgun to clease heresy!

>>17498869
Current servo-skull reconnaissance reports indicate that there are several improvised weapons already deployed in the anticipated area of engagement. By standing orders of the Tech-priesthood and Imperial Guard regulations, each trooper has been issued two (2) blunt-trauma/grappling appendages, two (2) auto-locomotion assault bludgeons, and the indomitable will of the Emperor as standard equipment. Bayonets increase this already formidable array's effectiveness by nearly .025 per cent. Including the Commissar's bolt pistol and firey faith in his loyal troops, the regiment is considered "combat worthy," and will receive further augmentations to force-readiness when Tech-quarantine has ended.

>>17498946
Can Xeno hearts be an instrument?

>>17498945
Nothing solid yet, but I hear we're shipping out to Avalon Primarus. Big ole chaos incursion over there.

So you'll get to meet Inquisitor Tomalus the Unforgiving afterwards.

>>17498952
Well if you're so damn worried, feel free to shoot him. You have my permission.

>>17498967
They are an instrument of heresy. Do not touch them.

>>17498946
>>17498913
"ZOT"

Commissar! I shot my first heretic! also the weapon shipments came it, these lasguns sure are heavy though

how high is the casualty percentage on the battlefield ?

how high is it on your questionaires ?

>>17498984
congrats son, the Emprah loves you a little more. Get used to that weight too, there are few finer tools of bringing civilization to the unwashed xenos masses

>>17498981
So I take it making skulls cups out of the heads of our dead enemies is out of the question too, sir?

Sir! I'm reporting back from patrol, we spotted an Ork scouting team, it seemed as if they were using some sort of stealth tactics!
Your orders sir!

>>17498984
The lasguns carry the weight of responsibility to the machine spirit, and thus can feel somewhat cumbersome at first. In time, as you carry out your maintenance rituals, they will seem less burdensome.

Sir. I don't want to question the Tech-priests but... I don't think this is a lasgun.

>>17498998

m-m-m-my lord?

why are you not as known as Commissar Cain?

Oh! Oh! If I happen to run out of ammo in the middle of battle, am I allowed to pick up a weapon from a fallen enemy, or would that infect me with that there 'chaos taint' you warned us about?

>>17498995
on the battlefield, anywhere between 50 to 90%.
On my questionaires, usually around 10%, but there was that one time, a time I called the 99% Introduction.

>>17499000
yes.

>>17499007
I've encountered orks like that. Take my advice, shut up about it, and bombard the area into oblivion

>>17499018
>>17499018
To use Xenos tech is to commit Tech heresy. Their false path deserves only to be purged with fire

>>17499011
...That was not on the weapon shipment manifest...

>>17499011
That looks like a plasma cannon son, no finer tool at bringing justice to traitor marines.

>>17499017
Because I am Commissar Bobius

>>17499018
picking up xeno or heretic weaponry is heresy. Don't do it.

humm sir? Im not feeling well at all... I think i might be sick *gassy farts* Am I gonna be all right Sir?

>>17499042
Hey! I got one of those too! But um... why does my armor look different?

>>17499023
So, how can we desecrate our enemys corpses then?
Not doing it seems un-anti heretical

Sir, an astropath I was assigned to watch over has transliterated an Imperial dispatch. In one part he wrote "your" wherein instead he ought to have written "you're". Is this an act of aberration against the Emperor's holy language that warrants the requisite blamming?

>>17499067
*BLAM*

Hey Guys! Check out my new tattoo! Anyone want to go to the strip club later? They have an all you can eat buffet and the music is awesome

>>17498784
>>17499011
>>17499071
Three Rookies with Plasma Cannons...
Commissar, either the Emperor REALLY loves us or... or he HATES us with an undying passion. I've heard about those things from my Brother. He's been in the Guard about twenty years now.

>>17498472
Sir, they get a plot of land after their service is up as well.

>>17499097
*Bzzt*
Sir, heretic dispatched, sir!

>>17499052

hey sir!

look what i found in that there tree over there!

can i keep it?

>>17499071
you aren't ready for that armor yet! Take it the hell off.

>>17499083
by burning them. Teabagging is also fine.

>>17499087
It warrants correction and condensation. But not blaming.

>>17499088

You just shot a living plague bomb... enjoy your new mutant SPESS AIDS

>>17499098
>In guard
>For twenty years

Waaaaait a minute.

I SMELL HERESY.

IT SMELLS LIKE BURNING SEMEN.

>>17499106
>>17499106
You shot me in the gut! I'm bleeding...wait this feels awesome! Shoot me again!

uh, Tech Priest, I believe there is something wrong with all the lasguns you gave us
All their doing is being a giant flash light

>>17499101
Not in my regiment you don't. Service to the Emprah never ends on my watch.

>>17499107
Give it to the Tech Priest

>>17499098
We shall see. I must say though, Plasma Cannons made me the man I am today, two robotic limps and half bionic head and all.

They build character

>>17499122
That's where your wrong, I have bionic lungs as well for such an occasion... Unfortunately, I'm going to need a new regiment. Stay here a moment guys, I'm going to have a chat with the base Inquisitor

>>17499146
...
*FWOOSH!*
I think i'm just going to use this Flamer for now on.

>>17499164
>>17499164
limbs* sorry for that mistake. and the limbs in question being arms.

>>17499144
Guardsmen in backwater areas sometimes serve for their whole lives without being slaughtered by some horrible abomination. It's just that those are boring and we never hear about them. Besides, there are folks like Yarrick who've been crushing ork skulls for as long as they can remember, but they're exceptional, of course.

ALSO TACTICAL GEEEEENIUS.

Now that weapons have been dispersed among the troops, I am being summoned by my brethren of the Mechanicus to aid in the deployment of our Titans. They will be supporting operations in...all sectors save this one, it seems.
May the Omnissiah grace your battlegear.
I have submitted a requisition form for you to have as many bolter shells as required, Commissar. There is a .0064 per cent chance that I will see any of you alive again. Maintain your wargear.
Anyway, best of luck.

>>17499164

Just as planned...

>>17499118
Do I have to give up mine too? It fits like a glove!

>>17499164

Sir! i saw this in the battle psyker squads room

i think it looks cool! can i put it on my lasgun?

>>17499164
*mumbles* that's just because no one ever has their service end on your watch*mumbles*

I have good new and bad news gentlemen.

Good news is I have decided to take those two years of vacation now.

Bad news is, you're all about to be purged.

Turns out the Emprah hates the shit out of you.

>>17499219
*BLAM*

>>17499227
Hey I was going to shoot him!

>>17499192

save us tzeench!

Just another day in the Teegeian-404 conservator regiment...

>>17499229
Please comrade! There's plenty of commissar to shoot!

Sir, Sir! I cracked open one of those weapons crates over there.
Did you call for reinforcements?

As a member of the Emperor's most holy of warriors, the Space Marines, what the hell is going on here Commissar, and where has my Plasma cannon gone?

I sent that bitch a burning heretic.

Bitches love burning heretics.

Love the Emperor, burn the heretic.

someone order a purge?

>>17499240
Ain't no fun shoot a dead guy

>>17499273
Ah, yes. That was me. These guardsman are unclean, and have been tainted. They even murdered a commissar! (+20 to bluff)

>>17499273
>>17499292
Welp it looks like we are finally going to see action
For heresy, no less
But it was a honor serving with my fellow guardsmen
Artillery setting up

>>17499314
>>17499292
No we didn't.

It was this guy. >>17499257

traitors and heretics killed the Commissar
space marines are shooting us and the traitors

THIS HAS BEEN A HORRIBLE FIRST DAY

>>17499331

"normal"

This is the Most Glorious Pillar of Awesome of the Shining Galactic Partridge Flock.

We are monitoring this battlefield for potential glory.

I AM TAKING CONTROL

HANDS UP FOR WORSHIP OF NURGLE?

DONT BE SHY

>>17499326
Your days in number, are becoming quite short now guardsmen...

>>17499360
HE'S THREATENING TO KILL A MEMBER OF THE IMPERIAL GUARD.

TOTAL HERESY.

>>17499367
Because i an not truly a Space Marine fool!
This was all planned from the start.

The Partridges have determined in their most glorious of methods. That this planet is covered by deamonic taint the likes of which has never been seen.

We're calling for an exterminatus. ALL GLORY BELONGS TO THE PARTRIDGES

>>17499314
I ain't no Heretic!

>>17499392
Screw you guys, i'm going home.
*Vanishes*

>>17499392
And so end the Clusterfuck of Taroth Primarus. Its horrific and nigh unstoppable chaos uprising stopped in its tracks by the decisive and wise decision of the Galactic Partridges.

Had the Galactic Partridges not been there, the planet would have likely turned into Eye of Terror 2: The Terroring

>>17499388
Bah, foolish monkeigh and their addiction to seeing the forces of Chaos everywhere.

You are taint of chaos, and must exterminate yourselves.

>>17499430
/wrists

>>17499397
>>17499326
Doesn't matter to them
They are just going to kill us all the same

>>17499415
so should this get added to their page? http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Galactic_Partridges

I chuckled at the Eye of Terror name.

archive?

rolled 3, 4 = 7

>>17499498
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17498438/
Merry Christmas, OP.