I'm not certain that Paladins would be alright with beating confessions out of criminals. Not even criminal orcs.

>>17705124
Greyguards are, they understand perfectly that lawful good doesn't mean lawful nice. Depending on what the guy is hiding however even the most idealistic hero would be tempted to knock his teeth straight out.

Even in the D&D universe the commissioner is still named Maloney.

"Lards a mercy, Pelingraf. Yer a loose cannon. I'm taken ye' off the case."

>>17705124

>>17705153
I was looking for this, fuckin' saved.

TURN OVER YOUR HOLY SYMBOL AND YOUR SHIELD, SER.

>>17705153
Good lord, I was getting ready to be furious until right at the end.
Good cop Bad cop. The most related pasta ever.

>>17705124
Orcs respond to violence. It's like their language. Can you imagine an orc bringing up police brutality in court? Hell no, he'd look like a pussy in front of all his orcish peers.

If a culture speaks in blows, it ain't wrong to speak your mind.

>>17705214
I don't know about you, but I joinced the faith to stop violence, to protect people.

I'm not about to become some hair-scabard, saber rattling thug, just because people think I should be. I'm no loose sword, I'm a by the holy-book paladin.

>>17705089

I'll ... speak with him sir.

And then; you and I are going down to the Inquisitor General's Office. Internal Affairs has more than a few things to say about treatment of Prisoners, regardless of Race, Religion, or Language.

I don't want to hear it McBane! That...that ZWEIHANDER of yours is against regulations!

they are making a tv series about the watchmen
just sayian

>>17705214
my gods! did the cops beat you up!?

oh yes, I think it was rather nice of them to speak to me on my own cultural level.

>>17708512
I know what you are thinking. "Did he fire that flintlock or the other one?" To be frank, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a Reiter flintlock, the most powerful flintlock in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself only one question: Do I feel lucky? Well do ya, scum?.

"You're out of line, McGarnigus!"
"YOU'RE out of line."
"What does that even mean?"
"IT MEANS HE GETS RESULTS YOU STUPID CLERIC"

Warforged robocop. Make it happen.

You purged an orphanage, broke the legs of the count's prize-winning stallion, ruined the statue commorating the victory over the hordes of Angerfell... and saved the princess from the Greymoor lich.

I don't like your methods, but by St. Arnabeth's Steely Pectoral, you get results! I'm promoting you to Crusader. Don't make me regret it, kid.

Do the other boards have as much fun as we do?

"Three dead cultists, two wounded, and we're pretty sure only one of them is going to make it out of the healers alive...but really, did you have to kill the dog?"

*looks down at slain dog, with a sword near his paw*

"The dog was going for the sword, sir."

Oh great, there goes the herald again. I bet that there is going to be a story about city guard arresting orc criminals again... See! I told you. Racial profiling I tell ya. They are normal people just like us, it's just the songs and books that make them look like murderous pillagers...

>>17705153
What did he roll??

DEAD OR BLOODIED, YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.

Does thou feelest fortunate, knave?

>>17708798

heh

>>17708977

"I'd buy that for a silver!"

oh god, I love this thread

>>17709106

"So wat's the storry, clerric?
"Well, Paladin Callahan, we received ward from da garrd a' about o-600. Dey'd gotten reparrts of a damestic disturrbance in deh arrea. Deh garrd questian'd the rresidents and dey all rreparted herrin' scrreemin' coming fram the pub's behsm'nt."
"Un did deh foid anytin'?"
"Aye, serr. Tehk e look."
*Two clerics in the basement turning a bunch of hooker zombies*
"Buggerr. Call deh brass, cleric. Tell 'im we got arrselves a serial necramancerr."

That was really shitty. I'm not sure how to convey a thick Oirish accent through text.

>>17709262
It's were foine enaff. I chuckled, I did.

"So, I think I can wrap this case up."

"Good, I've had enough of being stuck down here in this stinking dungeon. So you say you've found the killer?"

"I did, I did. He was very careful, you see. Dragged that poor halfling down here, probably promising her some money to help her father...he has a bad leg you, know."

"Yes, yes. Everyone knows about Mr. Briar and his his old sword wound. What does that have to do with this?"

"Well, never mind that. What I think is, someone lured that girl down here, and this is the smart bit. You ready for the smart bit?"

"Yes. Dwarf-Columbo. Please get on with it!"

"The smart bit is once she was down here, whoever killed her probably snuffed the lamp, and the poor girl wandered into the cell in the darkness. Then, the killer, lets just call him a "he" for now, he used mage hand to trigger the trap door...no fingerprints, you see."

"No fingerprints? So you're saying you don't have any evidence?"

"Now, I didn't say that. I never said that. What I said was the killer thought he was being smart by not putting a hand on the lever. But, you see, and this is the clever bit, magic like that...it leaves a kind of residue. Like soot. A residue that, with the right combination of magical ingredients, can be traced back to the person who cast the spell."

"Oh...oh really? I hadn't heard of anything like that!"

"Well, you wouldn't, not being a magic user yourself. You did say you can't use magic, didn't you?"

"O-Of course not. Its never run in my family."

"Well, anyways, I have some of it here, and all I have to do is sprinkle a bit, like this, on the lever. Then, we wait."

"Well, I-I don't have time to wait. I have a very important meeting to get t-"

"Hey, that's right! That meeting with the banker...hey, doesn't he own the house that girl and her father lived in? I remember her saying he was trying to sell it out from under them..."

"I wouldn't know. I don't discuss that sort of thing with clients."

>>17711341

"No...no, of course you don't. Well, anyways, before you go, I just want you to see how this works. It's a marvelous bit of spellwork. I'm just gonna sprinkle a bit like this..."

"No, don't!"

"Don't? Don't sprinkle this? Why not, Mr. Airaion?"

"I...I need to leave. It's getting stuffy in here, and I have to go. You have to let me out!"

"We'll be on our way in a moment, Mr. Airaion. I just want you to see how this powder works. It's very expensive, and not something a lot of people get to see..."

"I demand to be let out! LET ME OUT OF HERE!"

"Mr. Airaion! You don't...you don't think this powder is going to implicate you, do you? You don't have to worry, Mr. Airaion. All it does is trace the magic to the source, and causes all sorts of unpleasantness. Loose bowels, stomach cramps, stuff like that. It also turns the hands of the spellcaster a bright purple, so we can identify them better."

"Isn't that...isn't that cruel?"

"Well, I guess. It only lasts for a few years, but some people have reported it only lasting for one. It seems a small price to pay for finding the killer, doesn't it Mr. Airaion? Anyways, I'm just going to sprinkle this and we can get out of here, ok?"

"Curse you, Dwarf-Columbo! You've screwed it all up. No one was supposed to know! She was just a stupid halfling girl! But you'll never see the daylight again! I'll bury you down here like I did her!"

"Is...there a problem, Mr. Airaion?"

"Damn you! Why can't I cast this spell! What have you done?!"

"Oh...well, on the way over here in the carriage, when I sneezed, I blew a bit of anti-magic powder onto your hands. Just a smidgen, but enough so you couldn't cast any spells."

*other police descend into dungeon*

>>17711353

"Lorian Airaion? You're under arrest for the murder of Iido Briar.."

"You...how did you know?"

"Oh, just a bit of detective work. Nothing special..."

*They start to lead the elf out of the dungeon*

"Oh, and just one more thing..."

*Dwarf-COlumbo walks over to the elf*

"Here, this is yours."

*hands him the bag of powder*

"What...I thought this was that tracing powder?"

"No, Mr. Airaion. Its just some soil I borrowed from your front garden. The halfling girl had the same soil on her shoes. I figure I should I give it back to you now."

"Damn you Dwarf-Columbo! I'll see you pay for this! No one does this to Lorian Airaion!"

>after being shot by a crazy elf guardsman Ironside became LAME
>but did that stop him?
>Abyss no!
>Now he got golem spiderlegs!
I am no good at parodies so I can't do that coloumbu thing ...

Best.

Thread.

Ever.

>>17711419
or crablegs so he can only walk sideways... who knows
anyone up for making a short parody

>I'm an old grizzled veteran adventurer, looking to settle down, be a family man, get ready to reroll in peace, y'know? I get to retire from this campaign in just eight da-
>Falling rocks

"poor elf. Petrified. not a good way to go... feeling all your internal organs quickly turning to stone as it climbs towards your brain"
"My client d-"
"oh shut up! We know Medusa did not do it!"
"...what?"
"we used magic to enhance the memory we took from the gnome. The reflection shows a head full of snakes on this picture...but on THIS!"
"My god!"
"HIM!? I can't believe he would do it! I mean... he only stalked really beautiful girls..."
"you might say that her beauty was...in the eye of the beholder."

>>17711565

>>17709262
I read it as a thick Chicago accent and an Irish accent

In the city of Sigil, law enforcement is conducted by two separate and distinct groups: the Wardens who investigate crimes, and the Lady who prosecutes them. These are their stories.

DUN DUN

One is a grizzled Paladin, who doesn't plays by the rules.

The other is wise-cracking Black Wizard from the streets.

>>17711747
THEY FIGHT CRIME!

>>17711747
drow?

>>17711787
>>17711747

Dice Hard
Dice Hard 2: Dice Harder
Dice Hard with an Avenger
Free Action or Dice Hard
A Good Roll to Die Hard

>Ebberon Five-O

*through a sending stone* "Mr. Mystery Guest? Are you still there?"

"Yeah, I'm still here. Unless you wanna open the front door for me."

"Uh, no, I'm afraid not. But, you have me at a loss. You know my name but who are you? Just another Adventurer who listened to too many bards as a child? Another orphan of a bankrupt culture who thinks he's Aragorn? Gandalf? Legolas?"

"Was always kinda partial to Gimli, actually. I really like that braided beard."

"Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Dwarf?"

"Khazâd khazâd, motherfucker."

>>17711795

"Oh, so you assume that a brotha has to be a Drow in order to use Black Magic. Oh and one more motha fucking thing, its DARK ELF. Drow is OUR WORD.

Cracka-ass Elves and their archery always gotta be bringin' us down."

>>17708917
It doesn't matter.

>>17711884

"Attention, whoever you are, this sending stone is reserved for an emergency only."

"No shit lady does it sound like I'm casting a ritual?"

"Your case hinges on my client's race and nothing else. You have no proof of guilt, no damning evidence, nothing that places him at the scene of the crime. What's more, you locked him up with a serial Intimidator to try to get him to talk.

"You don't have a leg to stand on, Maloney. We're leaving."

>>17711934
Oh my god, yes

"You don't like portals, do you?"

"What gives you that idea?"

"You wanna know the secret to surviving air travel? After you get where you're going, take off your shoes and your socks then walk around on the rug bare foot and make fists with your toes."

"Fists with your toes?"

"I know, I know, it sounds crazy. Trust me, I've been doing it for nine years. Yes sir, better than a drink and a hot bar wench."

[the businessman sees John's crossbow]

"It's okay, I'm a ranger. Trust me, I've been doing this for eleven years."

Do you understand the somantic components that are coming out of my mouth?

Hell nobody understand the somantic components that are coming outta your mouth!

>>17712119
>>17712084

The next campaign I'm going to run will be a buddy cop campaign

"I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six charges or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a 5 inch Iron wand, the most powerful wand in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"

>What's the word on the street, Shadowfoot?

How should I know? It's a big city...

>[slips him a gold coin] You know anything about the ritual sacrifices in the Trade Quarter?

[Pockets coin, glances sideways] You're barking up the wrong tree with the old necromancer. He's just a devote of Wee Jas settling life-debts for the temple. Now, the Master of the Merchant's Guild, it seems he's been running up some debts of his own...

Good doesn't have access to spells that let you violently extract every piece of information you want directly from their mind then leave their brain permanently shaped in a way more suitable to your liking.

>>17711904
That's a terrible ending, -50 points from Gryffindor.

>>17708751

"Undead or alive, you are coming with me."

>>17712640
FUCK YES

why the hell does /tg/ have all the best threads?

stay classy you motherfuckers

I know what you're thinking. "Did he smite 6 times or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a full-blade, the largest sword in the world and would take your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

Not exactly fantasy, but I feel this deserves a place in this thread.

www youtube com/watch?v=bocmVZXXY8w

inb4 fukken saved

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17705089/

Oh my goodness this is the best thread.

bump