BUY. FUCKING. ROPE.

>make sure you got a hammer, light, good boots, waterskin and a rope. then worry about weapons.

Walk softly and carry a big stick, the stick is for finding traps.

>Never trust an elf on a weekday.

>... or at weekends.

>never underestimate the power of adequately organized peasants and some wood.

>The usefulness of the 10ft pole is overestimated.

>On the other hand a 12ft pole is a must have.

> any person whose name is any variation of "light" or "dark" is someone you do NOT want to associate with

> You are going to die. Probably horribly.

> If the paladin hit the evil thing as hard as he could and it didn't flinch, there is no shame in running away

> There is never shame in running away, it is always a valid strategy.

> fuck the peasantry.

>>17817047
And a dagger...

Put a Vorpal Weapon on that fighter.

>>17817039
>Do not fret if you have not got a prayer. The cleric does, and his is gonna work
Hmm, in setting where gods are real this is a quite stupid thing.
>and trust civilized humanoids even less
Stupid and cliche.

> never trust a skinny wizard.

> never trust a sober dwarf.

> just don't trust anyone in general.

>Check every door and chest ever for traps

That hole off to the side of the road? Never look in it. Never look in it.

Why? Son, have you seen this scar?

>>17817104
Have you ever wondered how cliche things got to be cliche?

IT'S BECAUSE THEY FUCKING WORK.

> sometime it feels like everything boils down to arbitrary chance, a roll of the dice if you will.

>You'd be surprised at what a little pleasantry and a coin or two will yield.

>Fuck rope. Buy a ladder

>>17817127
> better yet, a rope ladder.

>>17817120
Its cliche in same way as chainmail bikini.

>Don't take a gift from someone who is able and likely to force you to repay him

>Eyes on the prize, lad. Keep watching your back and you're likely to meet death in the front.

>If you find yourself in a bad spot, don't curse the fates or you'll find yourself in even more dire trouble.

>>17817104
>he trusts people

>>17817137

>rope ladder

>>17817123

>knowledge is power, hide it well.
Yeah i'm a lazy fuck.

Sometimes I feel like we're just puppets in a cosmic game of chance.

>>17817123

>mfw

>>17817137
>Rope ladder
brb, asking my DM if we can make/buy one of those

>Whomever controls your destiny is always trying to fuck you up in the most painful way

boards.4chan.org/tg/res/17816988

We need some more players.

>yes yes, you killed an ogre. well fucking done. Just don't think that you can go out and wrestle a bear now.

>also, adventurer pics

>FUCK THE KENDER!

>Ugh...fucking wizards....

>>17817164
I doubt that you would go too far as adventurer if you would see a ruse or trap in any man. You would refuse all quests (he is going to lure into a trap) wouldnt be able to eat foor ( cook poisoned it or if yo uare cooking yourself, they shokeper sold you poisionus ingridients), you cant have companions ( they will betray you and kill you in your sleep) etc. etc. etc.
Humans are social animals. And if you are should "trust humans even less that monsters" than you wont be able to get anywhere.

>Let me tell you something. Don't muck about in the forests. EVERY. BLADE. OF. GRASS. IS. WATCHING. YOU.

> when you're a wizard, no one ever appreciates you.

> but if you're a fighter, no one will ever need you.

>>17817207
No, you kill the Kender, light it's body on fire, and make sure the fire is hot enough to leave nothing of it left. Then you pee on the ashes.

>>17817216
don't be a git.
You do quests, but you do not trust the questgiver. capiche?

>>17817207

I don't think that one applies, in any world with powerful adventurers, the kenders have probably been genocided for the good of the world

>if you feel like you can take on all the guards yourself...you probably can't

Luck favors the prepared.

>You never have enough bags lad. Never.

I used to be an adventurer like you...then I took an arrow to the knee

:3

>If someone has gone to the trouble to hermit themselves, chances are you aren't going to be the person to convince them to talk to people again.

>Always have two people on watch, and don't put the bard on watch with anything he might fuck

>If invited to dine with the ruler of a locality, remember to gag the barbarian.

>Always carry climbing pitons. You may not climb all that often, but they are great for making sure doors stay shut

>If anything short of your god offers you a wish spell, kill it. If you can't kill it, run.

>Hire a ranger. Fresh deer meat is always better than hard tack, and it saves your hard tack for when you really need it.

>Do Not Sleep In A Dungeon. If you have to sleep in a dungeon, see above.

>You may think its funny to throw the halfling, but you won't be laughing when she kills you in your sleep.

>Never get involved in politics. At best, you'll get out with your skin. At worse, you'll end up married and running a kingdom.

>Designate someone to speak for the party. You'll know who. Do not attempt to "help" them.

>Never order the ribs in a tavern where an orc is cooking. They were probably making bread in the next town over.

>>17817274
You make the world a little less interesting every day.

>>17817199

>A bear fucked with me once...ONCE

>>17817249
This this this. If there's any precautions to be made, make them.
If there's an emergency exit, make another one nobody else knows about.
If there's a backup plan, make a backup plan for it.
If you think something will never be useful, take it, because you will curse the day you left it behind.
If things are looking good, prepare for the worst.
If things are looking bad, prepare for the worst.

Yes, I've had very malicious GMs, why do you ask?

>never go anywhere unarmed
>no, not even there
>If you, by some uncontrollable event, find yourself unarmed then make sure you know what objects nearby can be used in a pinch.

>Never trust a rogue with a fetish for masks
>Never trust a rogue with a one-word name
>Never trust a rogue unless you can see his hands... Don't trust him then either.

>>17817277
This man is an accomplished adventurer.

>shooting rookie adventurers in the knee is always good for a laugh

If it looks important its trapped. If it isn't its cursed.

>Don't give up your weapons. Not for anything. If a king asks you to dine with him and insists you leave your weapons outside, politely decline and leave the kingdom.

Depends on the system, actualy.
DnD - I saw the face of God... and punched it!
WHRP 2ed - Sometimes i miss my arm.
Riddle of Steel - Always aim for the groin.
Call of Cthulhu - They hide in the walls... tiny... tiny... OoOooh.. the voices. The Great One is coming ... I know the secret.

Do not hoard magic items because you might need them later, the later fight doesn't matter if you get killed now. The damn things have a terrible habit of getting lost or destroyed anyways.

By the same token, don't waste them on easily won fights it'll be just as effective on the group of enemies surrounding the boss even if the boss is immune, and lets everyone focus on what's important.

>If you find yourself in a group with a rogue, take inventory of your things every hour, on the hour.

>Never look a creature in the eyes

>If a dragon's scales shine, it's out to kill you.
>If a dragon's scales don't shine, it's out to kill you harder.

>Anything looking hungrily at your weapon is better off being beaten by a stick.

>>17817312
THISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHIS
YOUR INVENTORY IS NEVER
NEVER
NEEEEEEVER
SAFE
NOT EVER

> if a little thing like an arrow to the knee is enough to stop you, you were never a real adventurer to begin with.

> if a little thing like being eaten by a giant raccoon beast created by an eldritch lord of the damned is enough to stop you, you were never a real adventurer to begin with.

> if winding up in the seventh circle of hell, skinless and without a weapon, staring down a fat demon beast with butcher hooks for hands is enough to stop you....

>When you're the healer, never tell the sneaky backstabber in your party that you should have that weapon, because it's got a word in it the matches up with your god. Especially if you have no fucking clue how to use the weapon. He will get fed up with your shit one day.

The battlecry of the veteran:
>I'VE SEEN WORSE!!!!!!

>you might not be a good guy and I respect that, but don't fuck people over for giggles. Sooner or later you'll screw a guy who WILL bear a grudge... All I'm saying is that a single peasant can kill the mightiest wizard with a rock when the bugger aint expecting it

>Around Elves... Yeah, you know the rest.

>>17817305
>>17817293
Tsk tsk tsk. I take it you've never heard of the splendor that is a rock on a rope? Let me educate you:

It's a simple but sturdy rope, about ten meters in lengths. There's a rock about the size of a large mans fist securely tied on one end. A crude, archaic and ultimately useless contraption, right?

WRONG! AND LET ME TELL YOU WHY:

- This shit is your fucking everything. dark pitfalls? Just fucking dangle it down there to instantly know how deep the rabbit hole goes. You can also climb it easily up and down.

- Need to check for traps? Forget poles, just throw your rock in there, it won't break, and if it does, hightail it the fuck out of there. Its weight will also trigger pressure-based traps, so hooray for that!

- It's easily replaced! All you need is a rock and a rope. And the knowledge to combine the two, but if you can't do that, why the fuck are you even an adventurer? Go back and marry the plump, redheaded bakers daughter, peasant!

- It's not a weapon! Everyone will strip you from your daggers, blades and fancy-shmancy magic wazoos, but a fucking rope and a fucking rock? Bitch please, that shit ain't dangerous, is it? Fuck you, it's a goddamn flail made of hate and death and I will use it to slaughter my way out of here! So learn how to use a flail or chain weapons without killing yourself!

- Enemies surrounding you? Just hoist that shit over your head and swing it in circles as hard as you can! Instant zone of pain and death!

- It's super fucking multi-purpose! Use it as a grappling hook, ladder, flail, erotic toy, distraction, shield, measuring device, execution aid, or you separate it to get all of the individual uses a rock and a rope provide!

>>17817355
>And if someone fucks YOU over...raise all the nine hells! Let everyone know that screwing you over has consequences.

>Proper application of paranoia is a survival skill.

>Don't fuck it until you've sensed motive and detected evil.

>Don't trust the hired help. They're bloody well HIRED for a reason.

>Learn your Paladin's code. Make damn sure he's following it properly. If he falls, be prepared to kill him in his sleep.

>Carry around a ranged weapon and several forms of specialist ammunition at all times. it gets expensive, but fire arrows are an easy way to permanently kill trolls and light arrows create an area of illumination you can see in, while remaining hidden in the darkness yourself.

>>17817404

>If you see a stranger, follow him.

>if you are a rogue or ranger, never underestimate the usefulness of a sling. It's cheap, ammo is plentiful, and if your fighter fails and you find yourself face to face with something unmentionable, you can always use it as a makeshift club to bash its face in.

>>17817420
>Don't fuck it until you've sensed motive and detected evil

If you have to sense motive and detect evil before fucking it, then it's probably better you don't fuck it at all.

>Trust me kid, you're going to have a blast.

>>17817299

Yeah, almost all of those were "learned the hard way".

I can't tell you how many times hammering a climbing piton into the floor to block a door has saved my ass.

>>17817447
But that's a direct violation of the Bardic code of conduct!

>always carry a staff
>it is good for traveling and can be converted with minimum effort into a multitude of useful tools
LIKE:
>fishing pole
>hook
>spear
>nutcracker
>skullcracker
>kinky sex toy
>trap activator
>backscratcher

Not sure if these have been said or how many times, but one of my characters lived by an Adventurer's Code passed down to him by his father. It goes as follows:

>An adventurer's worst enemy is exposure. A pair of warm, dry boots, a thick greatcoat and a proper hat will save your life more often than a shield.
>Be vague. If an opponent knows your deeds and abilities, he knows your limits and weaknesses.
>The unassuming man is the most dangerous. Keep your head down until it's time to act, and don't make a show of yourself.
>There's no shame in a retreat. You can come back and finish the fight later once you figure out how to win.
>The most vital tools in your arsenal are a good length of rope, a polished steel mirror, some flint, a crowbar, and a nice long walking stick.
>Carry some soap, a shaving kit, and a spare change of nice clothes. You never know when you'll want to look your Suldas best.
>Don't just buy the first hiking pack you find for a pair of crowns. Spend the extra money on a fancy pack, it'll make things a lot easier in the long run.
>Organize your gear. If you can, use pouches in different styles or colors to identify what they hold. Then you'll know where to go for what you need.
>The heavier your armor, the bigger your signature. You'll be a bigger, louder, heavier target that doesn't get into position quickly enough and doesn't blend in well enough. Stick to easily concealed mail or jack plate.
>People are friendlier when you're not scary. Learn to make friends, and dress like a human being when in town.
>Learn to cook, sew, and brew a good tea. There's nothing womanly about preventing the chillbones.

What's this rope thing from?

>Never take a loan from a dwarf. I don't care if you've known him for a dozen years and the guy saved your bacon from that Mind Flayer last week. That guy is going to want interest, and he'll compound it daily.

>>17817480
add his to list:
>sewing seems womanly when ya prance aboot in yer cozy little manorhouse, but when yerr cloak is falling ta pieces in a fierce mountain wind ya wish ya knen how ta fix yer shit!

>It's far better to overestimate than to underestimate. Treat each challenge as your greatest.

>Prioritize. Once the biggest threat stops breathing, you can focus on the little things.

>understand the cultures you are fighting. Showing mercy to a dwarf warrior can be beneficial to you whereas an orc warrior will see it as a great insult

>Spellcaster? Grab Prestidigitation, greatest spell in the goddamn world.

>Always burn your gold.

>If you ever enter a room with nothing but a chest in it, run.

>There is no honor among thieves.

>Don't just run headstrong into combat. Converse with your opponent. If combat can be avoided, do so.

>That bard you bring along with you won't do a thing for you during your journey, but afterwards he'll be sure that everyone in the world knows who you are.

>Women are trouble.

>For the love of all that is holy, don't start a fight with a God.

>The sword may be pretty, but the polearm is better.

>Don't sleep with the tavern wenches, you may just find yourself infected with mummy rot.

>>17817524
That was basically said in the last one, but yes.

Also:
>You can't get lost in a maze. You can get turned around, but never lost. Put your left hand on the wall, keep walking like that. Always turn left, turn around and double back at dead ends. Sooner or later you'll see every part of the blighted place.

>>17817404
>erotic toy
I...what?

>three crossbows means you have three shots
>if you expect big loot, bring a wagon or a mule at least
>you can always eat the mule
>or use it to appease the golden monkey god

>>17817580
Hey, I'm not judging.

>>17817567
>The sword may be pretty, but the polearm is better.

This, holy shit.

>keep a dog and treat it right

>>17817574
That's only true if there are no loops in the maze and it's in a single floor.

>>17817580
tsk tsk. no imagination

>>17817574
woops, only saw "brew tea"

>>17817607
>fuck dogs, get undead serverants

>staying on the good side of the guard is generally a good thing

>>17817503
>Doesn't know rope

>>17817595
>A sharp poleaxe will spit a minotaur in two, a fireball will char a gnoll to the core, but neither will fit under a pillow, get you out of a net or cut your bloody steak.

>>17817630
Uhh, I don't think that necromancy works that way...

>>17817630
>Fuck dogs, get feral crutch fleas

>>17817630
>no sense of smell
>boring company
>freaks out the locals
>upsets paladins and clerics. violently so.
>detect as evil
>machine loyalty as opposed to the friendship you a dog
>detects as evil
yyyeeaah no

>>17817640
This is why you keep a secondary on you, hurr?

>>17817612
I never said the roles were flawless.

Don't open a treasure chest from the from the front. Even if the traps are disabled and locks unlocked. Last time my party rogue did that it was filled with flying scorpions.

Flying.

Scorpions.

And that was the DM's first time running a game.

>Don't eat what do you don't know.

>Don't drink what you don't know.

> Always, ALWAYS be kind to the poor. They likely see more than you.

>>17817630
>>17817653
>fuck dogs and undead servants, get a squire

>>17817660
This is good advice.

>If something nice is ever out in the open, it's a trap.
>Just because something is free, it does not mean that there will be no price later.

>>17817666
again, lacks the senses of a dog and is too likely to betray you

>>17817660
>Flying Scorpions

Don't arbitrarily screw over or otherwise alienate your adventuring companions, your employers, or a political faction. You are trying to build a reputation as a man who gets shit done, boy. Being known as a sociopathic asshole is the fastest way to be murdertown.

>>17817666
No, I don't think that nobility works like that...

>Never trust an alchemist with neat handwriting.

>>17817703
>find lovable urchin
>give him a new set of clothes
>make him carry your shit and clean your stuff
>teach him your skills

There, Squire.

>>17817714
I think you mean "feckless dick that will murder you in your sleep and take all of your valuables."

>>17817714

Perhaps, but you must admit that bestiality and necrophilia won't be as effective for obtaining a squire.

>>17817714
Wat? Use google.

Advice from a mage who's had a few adventures:

Don't wear a robe. People know what robes mean. Robes means spellbooks, magic items, potentially expensive spell components, rods, scrolls, and other strange loot. A sleeping mage isn't scary to a seasoned pickpocket.

Wear a nice, light shirt of chain that keeps your hands free. Wear it under a leather vest or jerkin, keep a comfortable shirt under the chain. Wear some breeches and boots, and carry your book next to a map case. Learn to use an arming sword, keep a simple but good quality dagger for both fighting and as a ritual focus. If you're lucky, you'll pull off looking like a thief, cartographer or lightly armored sellsword.

>>17817729
>>17817730
Technicalities!

>>17817739
>light chain shirt

oh well, wizards cannot into armour

>Buy from craftsmen who take pride in their work, not proud craftsmen.

>Never shit where you sleep. Or eat.

>Bathe downstream of where you get your water. And never get water downstream of a town.

>Never insult the rogue for failing to find a trap, he may just "miss" the one you're about to step on.

>Peasants are as good as invisible in a big city, a hooded figure is conspicuous.

>Your sword is not your only weapon. A mailed fist or helmeted head is as good as any club.

>>17817750
>wizards cannot Light Armor Proficiency
>wizards cannot Arcane Armor Training
>magus doesnt exist
>laughingwarmages.tiff

>>17817784
> implying I was not talking about people thinking maille is the lightest and easiest armour to use and ruining their back by wearing it all day erry day

>No reward is worth your life. Don't be afraid to turn down a job, however rewarding, if you deem it too risky.

>Assassination is a fool's gambit. Those who assassinate others invite assassination on themselves.

>Never work with someone who doesn't come highly recommended by a trusted contact. Never engage in dangerous, life-threatening work with some half-drunk asshole you just met at a tavern.

>Work for hard assets; jewels, gold. Ask for a third of your fee up front. Never accept promises or their daughter's hand or friendship or real estate as payment.

>Do your best to become business partners with a mage who specializes in scrying. Reconnaissance is the most important part of any job. If you know what's waiting, then your job is half done.

>Don't carry 150 pounds of gear into a dungeon like some paranoid boy scout. You will be so overburdened that you are going to be useless in any fight that occurs. Pay a peasant to be your porter.

>Advertise, advertise, advertise. What, you think some old man with an epic quest is going to wait around forever for you to show up? Of course not! You are a businessman. Start acting like one instead of some moron with a sword.

>There is always someone better than you. Someone faster, someone strong, someone more skilled in magic or arms. You can never be better than all of these people. You can, however, hire them.

>Invest in businesses. You can't be an adventurer forever. Sooner or later, you are going to have to hang up your armor and retire. Ensure that you have a revenue stream when that day comes.

>Get a good accountant. Taxes are more murderous than a thousand goblins ever could be.

>>17817804
>implying you wear armor every day regardless of what it is
>implying most games use realistic figures for chain, and thus are similar to real world chain
>implying a successful magus isn'ttoting fucking mithral

>>17817813

Advice from a CEO type veteran adventurer. I like it.

>Don't make waves about the 99% of other adventurers who don't have the sense to invest sensibly and let others get their hands dirty. Just sit in your mansion and pull their strings.

>>17817658
>For every weapon you carry keep at least three daggers on you, if your weapon of choice is daggers, good on you, can never have too many daggers.

>>17817828
someone got their head stuck in the anus of rules

One simple tool used cleverly is worth more a whole pile of fancy gadgets and magical doodads that you don't know how to use properly. No matter how "well equipped" you are, you're never really *prepared* unless you have the cunning and creativity to use every tool at your disposal to its fullest potential.

Always get items you find in ancient ruins identified before you start wearing them, a curse right as you confront a group of hostile enemies is never a good thing.

>>17817567
>>don't start a fight with a god
Oh god...been there, done that. Thankfully he just kicked us out of the astral plane.

>never rely entirely on magic. anti-magic exists and magic can be tracked.

>Do not, I repeat, do not ever stick your dick in a random hole in the dungeon.
>A nice word and some coin will always get better results than a fearsome reputation

>disregard all rules about armour and dress if you are a bard
>ALWAYS dress to IMPRESS

>If there is anything I learned about all this dungeon delving, is that our ancestors were dicks. They must have said. "I'll build this deathtrap to outlast the world. Because I hate everything."

No matter what you do - there is 5% chance that you would fail horribly.

>>17817889
>Conversely, anti-magic will always help against a wizard.

>wizards have no sense of right and wrong. If you find a wizard with any ethics at all, hang on to him/her.

>until they go crazy...

>>17817660
>Flying Scorpions

There's a man who's destined to be a great DM :)

>never wear or use anything you find in a dungeon until you know it is not magical
>if it is magical DO NOT TOUCH IT until it has been identified! EVER!

>Avoid wide plains or soft soil, worms are never a joke.

>If it's bigger than you, it's tougher than you
>if there's more than one, there won't be fun so run.

>Evil darklord Von Menacio in his dark spiky plate is a git with something to prove. Kill him and carry on.
>Concerned politician Bram Oakwell with his plump form and endearing mustache will doom us all. Be afraid, be very afraid.

"You never kill the orc babies."

>>17817913
Dress to impress, also velvet skinned brigandine

>a big fire can cause troubles or solve all of them

mithril chain shirt with the twilight enchantment from BoED has a 0% spell failure, 0 armor check penalties, and a +6 max dex bonus

>develop your own unique style

Avoid inter-party drama. There's a lot of available women out there, so if the only gal in your party is being romanticaly targeted by more than one of your companions, do your best to stop it by taking those specific wankers to the nearest whorehouse.

>captcha: lamark reached

Hm... There's a joke in there... I know this...

>if you have ANY suspicion that anyone in your party is possessed, restrain them and have wizards and clerics cleanse them in every possible way.
>everyone in the group MUST be ok with such treatment, otherwise they are out of the group.

Everyone knows not to walk in front. The trick is knowing not to walk in back either.

>Trust me, it will always look too simple

>>17818159
And for the love of your genitals, don't gets tuck in the middle.

>carry a vial of anti-venom

>>17817784

>warmages being taken seriously ever
>laughingbeguilers.jpg.exe

Polearms are better than swords, but a polearm whose blade can be removed and used as a dagger is better than both.

>>17817595
You mean 'this is fucking false'. Aside from the naginata/glaive or the poleaxe, the polearm is a very lacking weapon when used out of formation. A shield is worth more than a suit of armor, and you are giving it up for reach. You best hope no one ever shoots at you.

Swords are the ultimate weapon of the adventurer. They deal terrible wounds to poorly-armored opponents (like most monsters) thanks to their long hewing blades. They leave a hand open for a shield, a rope, or most importantly, a torch, they are easy to use in tight quarters, and they have a distinct advantage when skirmishing as opposed to fighting in a large formation.

Polearms are for soldiers and hirelings. You are an adventurer.

>>17818379
>swords
>not maces or hammers

>always carry a sword and a spear

>>17818406

>Learning how to land a solid punch is fine too.

Know your weaknesses: the enemy won't spend long gunning for your strengths.

You can't be sane and fearless, so try not to worry about if you'll be terrified.

Embrace a God. If nothing good happens, oh well. And enough bad things'll happen with or without faith that you won't notice the difference.

Carry a shield. Just in case.

Casters: have a back up weapon. And not feckin' dagger.

Casters: don't mistake being protected for proof of your being irreplacable.

Never call a Warrior a "Meat Shield" unless you're genuinely aiming to start a fight.

You WILL DIE YOUNG. If you can't accept that, consider doing something else.

Don't complain. I know, I really do, that there's 20 miles of leeches and mosquitoes ahead _today_, and 60 miles beyond that for the rest of the week. Just do it. Complain when it's over.

Keep non-essential chatter to a minimum when you're in obviously hostile terrain.
Take that swamp ^. Swamps have Hydras. I don't think Hydras are real bright, but they do have functioning ears. Lots of them.

Mercy is useful. Just not all the time.

Beware the little details: nobody looks pristine three weeks on the trail, so that's probably a succubus.

If your Rogue proves to be a Thief, kill them. There are always more Rogues.

Love ruins everything, so try not to fuck it up for the rest of the party.

>If a nobleman ever dies, I assure you, it was an accident.

>>17818402

>A mace in the hand is worth two swords in the smithy.

>When trying to inspire camaraderie in grunts, handing out cigarettes works better than telling Polack jokes.

>Make sure someone with you knows enough chemistry to make improvised explosives, but don't stand near them in a fight.

>Alien wildlife makes great pets, just don't let your party members see you feeding it bits of human flesh.

>If the gun you are crafting has material components that might destroy the entire complex if something goes wrong, then it is truly a gun worth having.

>Wear sensible waterproof boots.

>>17818402
Swords are generally better against the majority of monsters due to their long blades. Maces are superior against those with thick armor or other people.

never become the enemy of the peasants
never underestimate large numbers of small things

also, archive?

you want a sword and a mace, morningstar or axe as a backup.
and always carry a spear/polearm of your choice

Call of Cthulhu adventurers:

>Never look someone directly in the eyes, even if you know them.

>If a book starts talking to you, don't talk back, just keep reading and hope for the best.

>If you see something in the corner of your vision, don't look directly at it. You will regret it, use your peripherals.

>Never look back.

>No one will ever believe you. If they do, don't trust them.

>Once you're in, you're in for good. There is no going back.

Some adventure just long enough to buy a business and settle down with a few interesting stories.
Some adventure because they love it and they will probably die doing what they love.
Some adventure because they are running from something, most often from themselves.
The point is, that you are all adventurers and should respect each other as such.

>The old man in the bar knows more than you do. Listen to him. This always applies.

>Always have some kind of ranged weapon.

>Monsters can do things you can't.

>If the village is completely empty, run, don't loot.

>Always make sure they're dead.

>Carry alcohol on you at all times. Drink half, use the rest to clean your wounds.

>>17818590

Advice to the person playing the RPG:

Learn the laws about carrying weapons in your country or state and become a wandering adventurer for awhile. It'll be fun, I promise.

>if an old lady is willing to fight you, you are gonna lose. might as well forfeit.

>if you are an old lady, challenge everyone to battle.

>>17818640

Also, don't be a pussy about not eating for a few days. You can handle it.

If it is black ,not solid and you don't know if it is dangerous, resist your human nature and DON'T stick in your hand first.
If it is solid, you still shouldn't reach out.
If it is not black, you still shouldn't touch it.

>Be nice to the fucking guards. They have to put up with stupid, rash, headstrong adventurers every day, and they get paid shit for it. Be nice to a guard while you're in town and they'll be sure to return the favor.

>>When trying to inspire camaraderie in grunts, handing out cigarettes works better than telling Polack jokes.

This. Piss someone off for their heritage, and you might make the kind of enemy that explains your cut throat as a "shaving accident."

Elder Horrors? Get some proper Barbarians. There are two proper responses to that kind of threat and Violence and Ignorance are only the correct ones.

Hm. I think this is the best advice of all:
Know when you're out of your depth, don't let pride shove you into a unmarked grave. Things like Vampires, Daemons, and Aberrant Horrors require serious preparation and research. If you change Planes, enter a Volcano (or even a large, ancient Graveyard at midnight), or otherwise find yourself some place where the basic rules of survival (food, water, air, shelter) are profoundly different and you can escape, ESCAPE NOW.
Even a basic dungeon or crypt will require some adaptation, but it's similar enough that you can ease your way into it -without any deaths if you're lucky.

>>17818697
Addendum: if the local Guards are particularly corrupt, sloppy, overconfident, or well-armed, find out why.
They live in the place you're visiting, there's probably a good reason why they are as they are.

Archive this. Now.

>grow a magnificent beard that suits you
>dwarves will respect your beard, small as it might be
>elves will find it attractive and different
>gnomes and halflings loves the shit outta awesome whiskers
>you can hide small civilizations in it.
>beards make it easier to pass off as rogues, bards, sorcerers, wizards, rangers, druids and nobles

>no matter what class you are, invest in a gorget or similar.
getting choked sucks basilisk balls

never piss off your local healer. even if his faith requires him to help you, you don't want him telling a few of the local girls just why you needed cure disease

You know that little voice you sometimes hear in the back of your head? If that voice says something along the lines of "Your attention is inexplicably drawn to the...", leave. Don't go back.

Be nice to other travelers you meet, no matter how peculiar they are. You never know what god in disguise you might piss off.

They don't call something "The Forest of Terrors", "The Cave of no Return" or "Bonebreaker Pass" for nothing.

> Do not underestimate kobolds. Specifically, not when in their home.

> If a mage says "Trust me,it's not going to hurt", slap him in the face.

> If a mage says "Trust me, this may hurt a bit", slap him in the face.

> Allways,ALLWAYS have a rope with you.

>>17818960
What if the mage says "Alright, bite on this piece of wood because this will hurt like hell. Seriously, I mean it."?

>>17818989
Thank him for his honesty, then slap him in the face.

>>17819000
>>17818960
So, basically, whatever he says, slap him in the face.

>friends does not let friends accept tea from a cloaked stranger who keeps coughing up worms

>>17817948
Just came back to this thread.
>man

>>17817913
Jack of All Trades was such a cool show.

>There's a difference between bravery and stupidity.

>There are old adventureres and there are bold adventurerers. But there are very old, bold adventurers.

>>17819122
>*But there are very few old, bold adventurers.

>>17819122

never confuse stupidity for bravery,

never confuse fortitude for inteligence

>>17819161
And never confuse confidence for skill.

Archived! http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17817039/

Vote up! http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html

>>17819161
>>17819218
and always confuse your enemies

>>17819218

And never confuse a man for a woman. Or a woman for a man.

It's awkward the next mornin', lemme tell ya.

>>17819277

More like Awesome the next morning, amiright?!

>>17819289
Get back in the closet.

>>17819026
Don't slap him if he warns you it will hurt a lot.
You don't want to discourage honesty from your wizard.

>>17819294

No closet, just don't really have a preference for where I stick my penis, gender wise.

If its pretty, fuck it...provided you are both of legal age in that kingdom/jurisdiction/plane of existence.

>Yes, I'm sure your backstory is very interesting. Pity no one will ever give a shit.

>Breaking out into a monologue everytime you achieve something is a good way to provoke attacks of oppourtunity, usually from your companions.

>Never trust an old man in a young mans job (aka piracy)

>If there is 10 of you all heavily armed and you see a poor, helpless, crippled old man. RUN!

>Out talking a Copper Dragon is a straight path to god hood.

>Never trust an incantrix with a level 1 wand of magic missile wand. I've seen one of those kill a 15th level barbarian.

no capes.

I tell this to everyone who inquires about the 40k universe.

>The Space Marine is akin to Captain America in Iron Man's armor, wielding a .50 caliber MG. But the rounds are .75 cal, rocket proppelled explosives that are blessed by the church.
>These were not made to be used on humans. They are made to be used on the horrors that await humanity in the stars. Chaos Demons born of nightmares, dinosaurs mixed with bugs, Space elves that shoot ninja stars on lightning, and even the Terminator and his many, MANY friends.
>Make no mistake, everyone you meet and everything outside of base will kill you without a moments notice or hesitation. You are the weakest being in a universe warped by thousands of years of war.
>Welcome to Warhammer 40k. Get your head down.

When someone asks you if you're a god, you say "YES"!

>>17819516
claiming to be a god is the one of the fastest ways to piss the real ones off

>>17819516

and before they can can say "prove it!", shoot them...

>>17819471
Ug if by cape you mean cloack, the fuck no.

>>17819545
>>17819542
dont cross the streams

"Don't panic"

"Don't ever think that you are safe. Just because you can't see anything, that doesn't mean that nothing can see you"

"Every challenge is just a game. Don't be afraid to throw away the rulebook when you need to"

"If need be, burn it down"

>>17819545
>approaching planet
>hailed by local governing council
>entire population is listening in
>planet's inhabitants have not met other aliens yet
>they ask if we are gods
>"YES"
>they are about to ask for evidence
>exterminatus

Don't try to look anyone in the eye when lying. Stare at the bridge of their nose instead. They'll think you're looking them in the eye. Subtle, but important difference.

>When in doubt, get the fuck out.

Knowledge is like gold: highly valuable and likely to get you shanked if you flaunt it in the wrong part of town.

>>17819806
>when in doubt, frag 'em out.
or
>when in doubt, SPAZ 'em out.

>The orcs are larger than us, stronger than us, and outnumber us. We've pushed them back time and time again. The kobolds are smaller than us, weaker than us, and you never see more than 2 of them at a time. They've resisted extermination time and time again. Learn from the kobolds, superior position trumps superior strength

When a rich man hires you to take care of a poor man, it's a trap

When a poor man hires you to take care of a rich man, it's revenge

If you think you can do without a nice wagon, you're wrong. Oh it won't fit in the dungeon, but on the way there it's shelter, it's cover, it's loot you don't have to lug on your back. There's a reason even peasants have one.

Old people can and will kill you if you give them reason or opportunity to. Think about it, you're about 20 or so (usually) and you're already cheating death on a regular basis. This man has lived long enough to retire. He had to do SOMETHING to live that long.

For those less scrupulous mercenaries out there:

Pillage, then burn.

A Sergeant in motion outranks a Lieutenant who doesn't know what's going on.

An ordnance technician at a dead run outranks everybody.

Close air support covereth a multitude of sins.

Close air support and friendly fire should be easier to tell apart.

If violence wasn’t your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it.

If the food is good enough the grunts will stop complaining about the incoming fire.

Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it's on the far side of the airlock.

Never turn your back on an enemy.

Sometimes the only way out is through. . . through the hull.

Everything is air-droppable at least once.

A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head.

Do unto others.

"Mad Science" means never stopping to ask "what's the worst thing that could happen?"

Only you can prevent friendly fire.

If the officers are leading from in front, watch out for an attack from the rear.

If you're not willing to shell your own position, you're not willing to win.

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Take his fish away and tell him he's lucky just to be alive, and he'll figure out how to catch another one for you to take tomorrow.

Don't be afraid to be the first to resort to violence.

If the price of collateral damage is high enough, you might be able to get paid to bring ammunition home with you.

The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy. No more. No less.

A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you'll go.

Only cheaters prosper.

If you’re leaving scorch-marks, you need a bigger gun.

That which does not kill you has made a tactical error.

When the going gets tough, the tough call for close air support.

There is no 'overkill.' There is only 'open fire' and 'I need to reload.'

Just because it's easy for you doesn't mean it can't be hard on your clients.

if you've already tasted the poison you may as well lick the plate clean
wizard or not a basic understanding of physics can save your ass
there is always someone stronger
do not piss off the church
do NOT piss off The Lady of Pain (though tricking other people into pissing her off can get rid of them for a long long time)
dragons make amazing bankers
don't lie if you don't have to
don't make enemies if you don't have to
don't get an elf passed out drunk, paint him black, dye his hair white, and leave him in the middle of the local elf district
a prismatic chastity belt can save you a lot of grief
celestial girls don't dig the bad boy routine
fire
there is no man that can accomplish more than the man who does little of his work himself
never assume the people you work with will stab you in the back the first chance they get, but be prepared for if they do
handle animal/diplomacy/bluff/intimidate/seduce does not work on the tarrasque
a properly timed pitcher of alcohol can earn you a lot of good will
minotaurs make excellent guides
dragons will fuck (literally) with anything, somewhere there is a half dragon gelatinous cube
wizards will fuck (metaphorically) with anything, somewhere there is an ultraviolet gelatinous cube
in ravenloft, there is a reason that everything detects as evil
the right bit of information at the right time can topple empires
good aligned succubi do exist, the girl you just met is not one of them

>>17820230
>A Sergeant in motion outranks a Lieutenant who doesn't know what's going on.

>An ordnance technician at a dead run outranks everybody.

Those are great

>The "Right" tool is the tool that works. Carry only as many as you need.

>Get a pair of comfortable boots. They don't need to be fancy, just comfortable.

>>17820339

The whole list is from Schlock Mercenary.

>>17820339
Lot of these are conventional army wisdom.

For example: The three worst things to hear in the army.

3. A private say "Watch this!"

2. A sergeant say "Hey you!"

1. A lieutenant say "I have an idea."

Also: You can't spell lost without lt.

>If you ever spot only one monster, look again. There’s a high chance more are behind your back.

>Don't ever sleep over at a necromancer's. You may wake up the next morning but might miss some body parts.

>What use is all your power if you cant even hit me once?

>There are two secrets in becoming a master Adventurer: First, don’t tell everyone everything you know.

>Wishes and curses always even out. Thus the world stays in balance.

>As one can get lost in darkness, one can also lose himself into harmony and life. DOn't let you mind clouded by extremes.

>The bolts of volts jolt mainly the dolts.

>Also never ever: pic related

>>17820649
Oh god, the memories...

Some own, things i picked up on the run from a global super assassin cult, a body swapping demon and a Lich so terrible he and his clones were cursed by the gods themselves.


The Fuck it kit.

Most sensible adventurers travel relatively light. The fuck it kit is that, taken a little further. Amongst all your gear, keep the most essential necessities and important shit in one light bag, and always keep that bag packed and close at hand.

Those seconds you gain from not having to collect anything but a single bag or backpack before you're out the window can mean life or death when the hit squad comes knocking.


Watch out for Adoptive Parents.

Especially when they do it on the fly. Not only is the kid a risk, dead weight, identifiable, a weak link, useless in a fight, or even a mole. But the 'parent' can turn out even worse.

They'll go to great lengths to protect that kid, and all it takes is a hint of mistrust and he or she'll start targeting even his or her companions, just in case.


If you're making a break for it, don't be afraid to grab what looks important.

If its on your way out, and wont slow you down too much, grab it and run. Maybe its just for show, maybe its the tome that forms the core of all modern day necromancy.

>>17821499
What is in a Fuck It kit?

>>17821549
>Amongst all your gear, keep the most essential necessities and important shit in one light bag

I'd say that it depends.

>>17821549

Arguably thats what the rest of the thread is about. For me, it was one light change of clothes, rope, flint and tinder, a days sparse rations and the Necronomicon. The rest of my necessities i carried on my person, like knives, thieves tools.

What it contains depends on your situation and what you need. Or need to bring with you.

For a wizard it is undoubtedly his most important spell components and his spellbook and probably some more things.

Levers are meant to be pulled. Just be prepared to run.

If you're drunk, act sober; if you're sober, act drunk.

Never chase a kobold

When relieving yourself in the wilderness, make sure the vegetation is incapable of holding a grudge.

Never ride anything you're incapable of piloting yourself.

If you survived one trap, don't waltz in, look for more. (Cant believe you have to tell people this but apparently you do...)

Knowing where the exits are is only half the battle, the other half is knowing how to get out of town when its under lockdown.

Crossbows, if you end up in a tight spot, it takes but a second to tilt the odds a little more in your favour. Hell even if you're terrible its not like it hurts to try.

Don't piss off transdimensional wizards.

When the king of the dead looks you up to take back the shit you looted from his tomb, let him have it.

Think ahead. When looting cursed tombs, destroy the the old bones while you're there.

>>17821915
>Think ahead. When looting cursed tombs, destroy the the old bones while you're there.

Mere physical damage is not necessarily sufficient to keep undead down. Sure, a skeleton can't exactly form from pulverized bones, but that bone powder will be even more dangerous if it animates into some unholy cloud. Fire is somewhat more reliable, but not foolproof -- cremation-ash shades are far from unheard of.
No, you need to bring in the metaphysical. Certainly, smash the bones to powder, but then make sure you sprinkle them with holy water before you leave.

And if that doesn't work? Well, you've got two good legs. Use them before you lose them.

>>17822002

As you say of course. You could potentially just break the skeletons' legs. Then they are only half the trouble.

Another favourite is just ensuring the coffins remain closed, whether by weights, rope, or something else.

On another note, keep tabs on your group, preferably without them knowing. Sounds intrusive and paranoid, but you might get a heads up if they're up to no good, or just something dumb.

And if they get kidnapped you even get to play the hero who finds them!

Never get yourself into anyone's debt.

The important thing isn't what you actually did, it's what the bards say you did.

>>17817216
You can accept a quest even if you don't trust the giver. Just be careful that he doesn't betray you. You can eat food, although cooking your own is wiser. You can have companions, but sleep with one eye open.

>>17821645
>Never chase a kobold

TRUTH

For wizards:

1. Always be able to put a dagger in your hand.
2. The most dangerous wizard is the most creative. Merlin was a generalist.
3. "No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife between the shoulder-blades will seriously cramp his style." THIS APPLIES TO YOU.
4. Your environment will provide the weapon - or become it.
5. Nobody expects a wizard to punch them in the fucking balls.
6. Especially when you distract them first.
7. The clever mechanizations of your enemy are like gnome clockworks - you needn't understand them to smash them to little pieces. Find the center, and throw a fucking wrench into them.
8. Seize the initiative, and beat the fucker to death with it.

What would a seasoned adventurer think of a cleric build that's like Cleric 5/Combat Medic 5/Contemplative/10?

>>17822655
He'd stare at you with a confused look on his face and wonder what the fuck a 'build' is and what all that mumbo jumbo with the numbers means.

> "1000 gold is pennies to us. If you have nothing to spend it on, make some poor people very happy."
Think about how many loaves of bread you can buy with one gold coin.

> "Never have sex with your party members, a rogue can't sneak into a building with a three-season belly."
Morning sickness doesn't help much either.

> "If you're a smart lad, you will learn how to forge your own weapons and armor."
Craft is a class skill for everyone in Pathfinder. One point is +4 to the check.

> "No matter what the Church says, nothing is irredeemably good or evil."
Alignment isn't a straightjacket. Never, ever forget this.

> "A young boy you have trained in the art of the sword will surpass you by the time he is an adult."
I played a 13 year old Cleric once, she was level 9 when she was of adulthood age.

> "I speak Orc, Goblin, Drow, and Draconic. You will be surprised how a good "Hail and well met!" against brigands can avoid trouble."
Especially if the race is oppressed and always met with hostility.

> "Fey are pranksters by nature, don't take it personally or you will make very powerful enemies."
DR5/Cold Iron and spell-likes. Nuff said.

> "It doesn't count if you're a Fallen Paladin."
The Paladin's code doesn't apply if you're not a Paladin. You're either fallen or you're not.

> "It's not right to kill a young pickpocket, but nobody will complain when you belt his arse a dozen times for it."
Killing kids doesn't go over well with any civilized community, but beating them is often okay.

> "If a bandit demands your gold purse, give him a job instead. After kicking his arse."
This is how my D&D party wound up with a pretty handy Drow in their employ.

> "A wizard with muscle on his bones is just as dangerous as a rookie warrior."
A 16 strength wizard has +3 to hit, a 16 strength fighter has +4.

> "If you see someone being executed without trial, don't save them. Instead, pack up your things and get out like the Devil himself was on your heels."
Remember Viconia in BG2? Not a difficult fight but then again you were level 10 by that point.

>>17817516
>2012
>not continuously compounding interest
ISHYGDDT

> "Any spellcaster worth his salt can hide his true alignment."

>wear extra thick knee armor.

>>17817274
>>17817301
>>17817335
>>17823524
You're all so fucking hilarious.

>>17822863
Is it really necessary to nitpick the fictitious sayings people come up with here just because they think they're fun? No one gives a shit about attack bonus when they're coming up with fantasy versions of "red sky at night sailor's delight."

>>17823581
it was such a great opportunity, i couldn't help myself!!!

>>17823684
I hate you.

>>17823679
Uhm, I think he wrote those. They're not turning up when I ctrl+F at least.

>Stop. Spot. Listen. ALWAYS. You can never be too aware. (goes double for rangers and rogues)
>Search EVERYTHING
>Keep EVERYTHING

>only listen to the advice of those who survive.

>>17827239
Well, duh. Those who don't survive aren't going to be very forthcoming.

>>17828527
if someone among can speak with deads, though...

> "Be afraid of a man in fullplate and packing steel. Be terrified of a man who fights with his bare hands."

"Know your local plantlife."
"Know your local wildlife."
"Orcs respect you kicking their ass, and not killing them when you could have."
"Elves respect propriety and a firm grasp on the subtle."
"Dwarves respect honesty and a finely etched crossguard."
"Halflings respect deftness and a well-tuned mandolin."
"Humans respect everything or nothing, depending on who you ask."
"Don't take jobs from nobles who hold poorly-managed towns."
"When in doubt, send a goat into the cave."
"Always keep a canteen of fresh water and a rag handy."

>>17828669
Its only good for anime.
Monks suck in tabletop.

>>17828684
If you came across a single dude surrounded by dead thugs, which would be more worrying? A guy in fullplate and carrying a massive sword, or a guy who's wearing only a robe and doesn't look to be armed?

>>17828684
Monks suck in 3e/pathfinder, you mean.

>>17828776
Name system where unarmed specialist are top tier?

>>17828764
You mean wizard?

>>17828784
Nobody cares about top tier. Games in which they work just fine:
Shadowrun, where they are FUCKING TERRIFYING.
AD&D in general + 4E, where they're pretty damn good.
Every generic system ever, especially Mutants & Masterminds.

>>17828784
4e
http://community.wizards.com/go/thread/view/75882/28872281/DPR_King_Candidates_3.0&post_num=84#5
15679453

>>17828669
>>Be afraid of a warrior clad in steel. Be more afraid of a warrior clad in cloth.

There, adapted so you don't have to bitch about monks not being godtier instant win machines.
Could also include mages, I guess.

>If it's too good to be true, it probably is.

>If you need to sign it in blood, you don't need to sign it.

>When booking a stay, consider inn quality. A lot of people want to save a few extra coin and opt for the cheaper inn. A lot of people get robbed and stabbed in their sleep.

Funny enough, I have thrown the halfling a few times. Usually it's to get him on a rooftop where he's safe, or up high so he can drop a rope.

First time I did it, we were chasing someone (I run twice as fast as the halfling), and I had him in my arms so I didn't leave him behind. Couldn't catch up, so we did the "Fastball Special" and killed the damn thing.

>>17828838

*sounds*. If it SOUNDS too good to be true.

Sorry guys, my bad.

Don't work with anybody that has two different colored eyes. Don't even get close to somebody who has eyes that change color.

> You don't have to stick your cock in EVERYTHING, for fuck's sake.

just the very first part. not sure if i got enough time to make another one

>>17828891
number two. these are, of course, only the things i found most useful as they were not intended for posting.

>>17828928
third and last one from me. keep on being excellent to each other.

>>17828679
>orcs respecting mercy
heh, wait what?